The Shadow Knows... 

I'd like some information on transforming potent energy patterns stemming from my interaction with a very self-absorbed Two mother. I don't understand the extreme Two well enough to figure out a strategy for establishing and maintaining a proper distance. My own style is Four, and I admit to being a little uncomfortable about Two as the Four's stress point.

I understand this reader's reluctance to acknowledge any aspects of style Two. Not only has she had a difficult experience with a Two, her own potentially positive Two energies have probably been manipulated. She can balance her experience by appreciating the positive qualities of Twos when healthy: great empathy and the capability for truly unconditional caring - all part of the Four's potential, as well (Maxine Kumin's poem, "Nurture" beautifully conveys the Four's unique empathy and unconditional love).

Riso & Hudson have an excellent description of "the extreme Two" in Personality Types. In "Analyzing the Unhealthy Two" (Levels 7, 8, and 9 of nine levels, where 1, 2, 3 are Healthy and 4, 5, 6 are Average), they name Level 7 "The Self-Deceptive Manipulator," Level 8 "The Coercive Dominator," and Level 9 "The Psychosomatic Victim."

"Because their aggressions conflict with their all-good self-image… unhealthy Twos have to express their aggressions indirectly, by manipulating others to give them the kind of loving response they desperately want… While they still use the vocabulary of love (at this level) their words are self-serving, designed to get something from others without appearing to do so directly… Manipulative Twos are the maestros of guilt… It is shocking to people to realize how much the unhealthy Two's manipulations pull them off their own center… by casting others into self-doubt and making them feel guilty and confused, unhealthy Twos throw others off the scent of their own manipulations… They undermine others while presenting themselves as "helpers" who can heal the pain they have subtly caused."

Later in the chapter they help us gain distance and even pity when reflecting on the unhealthy Two:

"The irony is that unhealthy Twos compulsively bring about the very thing they most fear: they want to be loved, but end up being hated, or at least unwanted by anyone... If we draw a lesson... it is that Twos can be right in their belief about the value of love, yet wrong in their manner of loving others. If they intrude upon people with "love," Twos unwittingly prove that what they do, for that very reason, is doomed to failure. As soon as ego masquerades behind love, love becomes tainted and eventually corrupt - with all the consequences which we have seen in this personality type."

Fours interacting with Twos could also take a look at some of the generic dynamics of the Four/Two combination and see what fits (e.g., in the "Directory of Relationships" in Helen Palmer's The Enneagram in Love & Work). Among Four/Two interactions, for example, each tends to operate in a push-pull fashion around relationships (each pulls back when another is (more) available and moves toward when the other pulls back). Fours see Twos' indirectness and tendency to flatter as lacking emotional depth because Fours are "hooked" on emotional depth. The push-pull in this pairing can end if both agree to work on the relationship (possibly not an option with a parent). Instead of expending their energy outward at the other's flaws (no matter how well deserved), Palmer says Fours need to question their urge to criticize themselves ("'Why do I see my flaws when I'm around this Two?").

Perhaps most important for extricating themselves from a dysfunctional pattern (because Fours and Twos share a connecting line in the diagram), Fours can look for parts of themselves in the Two - an opening to do some shadow work. When we experience strong distaste for another type, we're at a growing edge if we can acknowledge their disliked aspects in our own shadow. In Transformation Through Insight, Claudio Naranjo describes one way this might show up in the Four's "exaggerated suffering," developed in the child as an attempt to elicit love that's not otherwise forthcoming. He even describes the Four's strategy as "seduction through suffering."   

One of my favorite essays in Zweig and Abrams' Meeting the Shadow is "Finding the Shadow in Every Day Life," by William A. Miller. Among other suggestions to discover what lies hidden in our Shadow side, Miller asks us to examine our projections:

"Projection is an unconscious mechanism that is employed whenever a trait or characteristic of our personality that has no relationship to consciousness becomes activated. As a result of the unconscious projection, we observe and react to this unrecognized personal trait in other people. We see in them something that is a part of ourselves, but which we fail to see in ourselves... Certainly not all our criticisms of others are projections of our own undesirable shadow traits: but any time our response to another person involves excessive emotion or overreaction, we can be sure that something unconscious has been prodded and is being activated… if Jim is sometimes arrogant, for example, there is a certain degree of 'reasonableness' about my offense at his behavior. But in true shadow projection my condemnation of Jim will far exceed his demonstration of the fault."

This can be difficult work, but it truly allows us to let go of dysfunctional bonds and begin to act more freely. A Nine I coached about projections was stunned to discover she'd happily boxed in her Eight husband as "the bad guy" (the worst of the Eight) and herself as "the good girl" (the Nine's Idealized Self). After some Shadow work it hit her "like a ton of bricks:" she was making herself a victim. This was a truly transforming moment. Not that their relationship was perfect, not that she never again got hooked, but she became able to accept her attachment to being in control, to being "right," and was better able to see her victimizing pattern when it appeared ("it looks less ugly with every sighting"). She also began to feel forgiveness for her father, with whom she'd felt a victim even after his death. (You can learn to about your projections in "Bringing Home Our Projections.")

Another way to release yourself from undesirable bonds is in Jean Houston's The Search for The Beloved. She says betrayal can be the greatest agent of transformation ("The Sacred Wound") because it forces us to take the first step. Instead of becoming "calcified" in alienation and unforgiveness, seeking revenge, denying the value of the relationship, or becoming cynical, Houston encourages transformation through "the discovery of the Larger Story. Looking back on your own betrayals you may notice how they've given you the necessary shove, the unwelcome but needed kick in the pants to invite you to get on with it, to release patterns and attachments that need to die. The key to redeeming our betrayals is forgiveness." 

Below is a modified version of an exercise Houston calls "Betrayal & Forgiveness:"

As you explore the role of betrayal in your life, remember, betrayal often has consequences not just of pain and suffering, but also of widening the contexts and opportunities in your life.

1. Close your eyes and walk silently backward through your life from the present to the past, feeling time enter your body through your back. Stop and comment (or write) briefly on the nature of each lesser betrayal.

2. Continuing and stopping at lesser betrayals, walk backward until you reach a major betrayal. This point is usually very clear because the visceral/emotional response is stronger than with lesser betrayals. It can rise up from any time in your life: from last week, from when you were a child. Be a compassionate witness to yourself as you remember this major betrayal in as much detail as you wish. Then ask yourself, "What were the consequences for good or ill of this betrayal?"

3. Now see the betrayer in front of you, and grant that person forgiveness. Even if you cannot honestly forgive, act "as if" there's forgiveness.

4. Then imagine walking forward again through your life and notice how you forgive the lesser betrayals you encountered before. Speak aloud your willingness to forgive each lesser betrayal. Reflect on what's happened and what you're feeling.

The last words here are key: "Reflect on what's happened and what you're feeling." This doesn't mean all the pain you've experienced is meaningless, or you "should" behave in a different way, or you "should" let go of your hurt and anger; only that you notice what's happened and stay present to it. When you accept whatever appears, without judgment, you'll find yourself becoming unhooked from long-standing, dysfunctional patterns.

More responses to readers' questions

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