The Shadow Knows...
I'd like some information on transforming potent energy patterns
stemming from my interaction with a very self-absorbed
Two mother. I don't understand the extreme
Two well enough to figure out a
strategy for establishing and maintaining a proper distance. My own
style is
Four,
and I admit to being a little uncomfortable about Two as the Four's stress point.
I understand this reader's reluctance to
acknowledge any aspects of style Two. Not only has she had a difficult
experience with a Two, her own potentially positive Two energies
have probably been manipulated. She can balance her experience by appreciating the positive qualities of Twos when healthy:
great empathy and the capability for truly
unconditional caring -- all part of the Four's potential, as well (Maxine Kumin's poem,
"Nurture" beautifully
conveys the Four's unique
empathy and unconditional love).
Riso & Hudson have
an excellent description of "the extreme Two" in
Personality Types. In "Analyzing the
Unhealthy Two" (Levels 7, 8, and 9 of nine levels, where 1, 2, 3 are Healthy and 4,
5, 6 are Average), they name Level 7 "The Self-Deceptive Manipulator," Level 8
"The Coercive Dominator," and Level 9 "The Psychosomatic Victim."
"Because their aggressions conflict with their all-good self-image… unhealthy Twos have to express their aggressions indirectly, by manipulating others
to give them the kind of loving response they desperately want… While they still use
the vocabulary of love (at this level) their words are self-serving, designed to get
something from others without appearing to do so directly… Manipulative Twos are the
maestros of guilt… It is shocking to people to realize how much the unhealthy Two's
manipulations pull them off their own center… by casting others into self-doubt and
making them feel guilty and confused, unhealthy Twos throw others off the scent of their
own manipulations… They undermine others while presenting themselves as
"helpers" who can heal the pain they have subtly caused."
Later in the chapter they help us gain
distance and even pity when reflecting on the unhealthy Two:
"The irony is that unhealthy Twos compulsively bring about the very
thing they most fear: they want to be loved, but end up being hated, or at least unwanted
by anyone... If we draw a lesson... it is that Twos can be
right in their belief about the value of love, yet wrong in their manner of loving others.
If they intrude upon people with "love," Twos unwittingly prove that what they
do, for that very reason, is doomed to failure. As soon as ego masquerades behind love,
love becomes tainted and eventually corrupt - with all the consequences which we have seen
in this personality type."
Fours interacting with Twos could also take a look at some of
the generic dynamics of the Four/Two combination and see what fits (e.g., in the "Directory
of Relationships" in Helen Palmer's The Enneagram in Love & Work). Among Four/Two interactions, for example, each tends to operate in a push-pull fashion
around relationships (each pulls back when another is (more) available and moves toward
when the other pulls back). Fours see Twos' indirectness and tendency to flatter as
lacking emotional depth because Fours are "hooked" on emotional depth. The
push-pull in this pairing can end if both agree to work on the relationship (possibly not
an option with a parent). Instead of expending their energy outward at the other's
flaws (no matter how well deserved), Palmer says Fours need to question their urge
to criticize themselves ("'Why do I see my flaws when I'm around this Two?").
Perhaps most important for extricating themselves from a
dysfunctional pattern (because Fours and Twos share a connecting line in the diagram),
Fours can look for parts of themselves in the Two -- an opening to do some
shadow
work. When we experience strong distaste for another Enneagram style, we're at a growing edge
if we can acknowledge their disliked aspects in our own
shadow. In Transformation
Through Insight,
Claudio Naranjo
describes one way this might show up in the Four's
"exaggerated suffering," developed in the child as an attempt to elicit
love that's not otherwise forthcoming. He even describes the Four's strategy as
"seduction through suffering."
One of my favorite essays in Zweig and Abrams'
Meeting the Shadow is
"Finding the Shadow in Every Day Life,"
by William A. Miller. Among other suggestions to discover what lies hidden in our
Shadow side, Miller asks us to examine our projections:
"Projection is an unconscious mechanism that is employed whenever a
trait or characteristic of our personality that has no relationship to consciousness
becomes activated. As a result of the unconscious projection, we observe and react to this
unrecognized personal trait in other people. We see in them something that is a part of
ourselves, but which we fail to see in ourselves... Certainly not all our criticisms of
others are projections of our own undesirable shadow traits: but any time our response to
another person involves excessive emotion or overreaction, we can be sure that something
unconscious has been prodded and is being activated… if Jim is sometimes arrogant,
for example, there is a certain degree of 'reasonableness' about my offense at his
behavior. But in true shadow projection my condemnation of Jim will far exceed his
demonstration of the fault."
This can be difficult work, but it truly allows us to let go
of dysfunctional bonds and begin to act more freely. A
Nine I coached about
projections was stunned to discover she'd happily boxed in her
Eight
husband as "the bad guy" (the worst of the
Eight) and herself as "the good girl" (the
Nine's
Idealized Self). After some Shadow work it hit her "like a ton of bricks:" she was
making
herself a victim. This
was a truly transforming moment. Not that their
relationship was perfect, not that she never again got hooked, but she became able to accept
her attachment to being in control, to being "right," and
was better able to see
her victimizing pattern when it appeared ("it looks less ugly with every sighting").
She also began to feel forgiveness for her father, with whom
she'd felt a
victim even after his death. (You can learn to about your projections in "Bringing Projections Home.")
Another way to release
yourself from undesirable bonds is in Jean
Houston's The Search for The Beloved. She says betrayal can be the greatest agent of transformation
("The Sacred Wound") because it
forces us to take the first step. Instead of becoming "calcified" in
alienation and non-forgiveness, seeking revenge, denying the value of the
relationship, or becoming cynical, Houston encourages
transformation through "the discovery of the Larger Story. Looking
back on your own betrayals you may notice how they've given you
the necessary shove, the unwelcome but needed kick in the pants to invite you to get on
with it, to release patterns and attachments that need to die. The key to redeeming our
betrayals is forgiveness."
Below is a modified version of an exercise Houston
calls "Betrayal & Forgiveness:"
As you explore the role of betrayal in your life, remember,
betrayal often has consequences not just of pain and suffering, but also of widening the
contexts and opportunities in your life.
-
Close your eyes and walk silently backward
through your life from the present to the past, feeling time enter your body through your
back. Stop and comment (or write) briefly on the nature of each lesser betrayal.
-
Continuing and stopping at lesser betrayals, walk backward until you reach a
major betrayal. This point is usually very clear because the visceral/emotional
response is stronger than with lesser betrayals. It can rise up from any time in
your life: from last week, from when you were a child. Be a compassionate witness to yourself as you remember this major
betrayal in as much detail as you wish. Then ask yourself, "What were the
consequences for good or ill of this betrayal?"
-
Now see the betrayer in front of you,
and grant that person forgiveness. Even if you cannot honestly forgive, act
"as if" there's forgiveness.
-
Then imagine walking forward again through
your life and notice how you forgive the lesser betrayals you encountered before.
Speak aloud your willingness to forgive each lesser betrayal. Reflect on what's
happened and what you're feeling.
The last words here are key: "Reflect on what's happened
and what you're feeling." This doesn't mean all the pain you've
experienced is meaningless, or you "should" behave in a
different way, or you "should" let go of your hurt and anger; only that you notice
what's happened and stay present to it. When you accept whatever
appears, without judgment, you'll find yourself becoming unhooked from
long-standing, dysfunctional patterns.
