It Takes Three to Tango
(the two who dance together, and the dance instructor)

I'm counseling a couple to build a healthy relationship. An inventory on this couple suggested she's an Enneagram 2 and 6 (split) and he an 8. What will be the best techniques to use  employing the Enneagram with this couple?

First a caveat: I'm not a therapist. I'm a social psychologist and a good process observer who coaches people's transformation using the Enneagram. I find this work easier with clients who are working on a relationship (business or personal) because there's immediate feedback about their interaction. As an objective observer, I can help them see their relationship dynamics as they happen and don't have to rely on how clients tell me they interact with someone. It's very effective to be able to say, "Let's stop a minute and take a look at what just happened..." or "...at what A just said to B..." or "...how the two of you are sitting relative to each other," etc.

Because they learn about themselves as they explore their relationship dynamics, people can improve their relationships to some degree without the other member of the partnership present, but that's not quite as powerful, because we can fool ourselves in reporting how well we apply something we've learned on our own. That same deficit is present in anything I might say to this reader because I'm not actually seeing this couple in interaction, playing out their Enneagram dynamics in their own unique way.

But there are some guidelines for effective counseling with the Enneagram. First, I'd be curious to know which inventory this reader used. Many people rely on written instruments, or at least use them as supplements in determining Enneagram styles. Because I've seen so many individuals mistyped using written instruments, I find it much more fruitful to let clients themselves determine their Enneagram styles by distinguishing among all nine. This helps them take ownership of their own Enneagram dynamics and actually reduces their defensiveness, which is helpful to the coach or counselor. More important, they become clear that many behaviors are shared by more than one style, and they eventually center on the one style that represents their primary driving force. 

Inventories can be problematic because it's very difficult to measure underlying Enneagram patterns with a written instrument. Some outward characteristics will seem the same for two people when their motivations and issues are very different. When this reader described the woman of the couple is a "2 and 6 (split)" I assume she scored approximately the same on Two and Six. She can't be both, though her outward characteristics and traits may look like both. While it's common that Sixes think they might be Twos in the beginning, Twos usually know they're not Sixes:

The underlying compulsion of the Two is "pride" -- this style tends to influence indirectly, to be somewhat manipulative and/or seductive, and to have a great deal of difficulty focusing on their own needs -- particularly how they may contribute to a relationship's problems. Twos like to align themselves with those in power, so if your client is a Two, she wouldn't necessarily be in conflict just because her partner is an Eight. This is often a sexually expressive combination as long as the Two is focused on satisfying the Eight's needs, but as time goes on she will want much more emotional reassurance than the Eight thinks is necessary. I'd recommend you read the "Directory of Relationships" in Helen Palmer's The Enneagram in Love & Work. To read what I've written about a Two/Eight partnership, read "Does Your Mirror Reflect Betty Friedan or Golda Meir?"

The underlying compulsion of the Six is "fear" -- Sixes have big-time issues with authority (which would be certain to come up with an Eight partner), are pretty open with feelings and eager to learn about themselves, but will tend to do a lot of "blaming" of partners (projection). Early in their relationship Sixes seek the Eight's protection, but later would begin to see the Eight as a bully. If your client is a Six she might well be looking for more equality in the relationship, as well as intimacy. Again, Palmer has some helpful comments on the Six/Eight partnership.

In terms of counseling techniques, Eights want you to tell it like it is, no matter how raw or profane, as long as you let him know you care about him in spite of his rough edges. I don't mean that you say this to him, but rather that you show your appreciation: by laughing at his jokes, by not being intimidated (see my Case Description for the Eight). The end of the story about my first day with my Eight client, "Buddy Halstrom," is that after showing his delight with my very direct feedback, he walked with me to the gate at the airport and, when we shook hands in parting, held the hand I extended with both of his hands, looked me in the eyes, and said, "Mary, thank you for caring."

It would help me to know the counselor's Enneagram style. It's important to show the Eight "tough love." I find Suzanne Zuercher's Enneagram Companions (on spiritual direction) applicable in a variety of helping contexts. About working with Eights, she writes:

"Once a trusting atmosphere exists, 8s respond to the director's suggestions about how to gain insight… As they become more free and less fearful they open to methods of interior work with the same gusto they display in other areas of living… All of this energy… will frighten 8s; often they will project this fear onto directors, being tempted to hold their feeling back lest their directors not be strong enough to bear it… Strength but not aggression, power but not contest, honesty but not ruthlessness are what 8s look for in a director."

Twos, on the other hand, are highly relational, want to be "in" on everything, and will want a "relationship" with you. Counselors need to be sure they don't let the Two's focus on the counselor's needs take over. I've had meetings with Two business clients where I had to mentally slap my head when I realized we'd spent the first 15 minutes talking about my life. Trying hard to help clients can take a lot out of you, so it's seductive when they show concern for you. And that's exactly it -- Twos are seductive, and they focus on the other person to avoid dealing with their own needs. It helps to ask the simple question, "What do you need?" or to gently point out to the Two how helpful she is and how that pattern at the same time gets in her way. Zuercher also notes how likely it is the Two will make flattering remarks to keep the counselor away from uncomfortable topics. She then writes:

"…directors find it hard to cut through superficiality, reporting, and wordiness with their 2 directees… probably best dealt with by pointing out to the 2 what has just taken place, leaving comments on that observation for the directee to make. Many times 2s are not aware of what they are doing and having it described helps them recognize their fear of acknowledging the unpleasant."

I have a Type Two colleague whose therapist pushed her to tell him anything, however small, she disliked about him. It was very difficult for her, but immensely helpful, making it "O.K." for her to feel and say whatever was true for her instead of focusing on the other's needs. She was able to transfer that learning to her other relationships.

Sixes, because of their watchfulness for others' power tactics, can get into a push-pull interaction with a counselor. In a class I taught on building relationships with the Enneagram, I asked each person to state an intention for their own transformation. One of the Sixes said, "You're the expert, I'd like for you to tell me what I should focus on." My answer? "That would be a death sentence for both of us." Tom Condon first clued me in to this in one of his workshops -- Six clients will ask your advice, and then you become the authority for them to rebel against. It's vital that Sixes get in touch with their own power. The woman in my class asked me what I meant, and I asked back, "What do you think it might mean, given the dynamics of a Six?" "That I'm the expert on myself?" she responded. "Sounds like you're on to something," I said.

The most important work with Sixes is to help them "bring home their projections" (see "Do You Have Any Feet Left to Shoot?" and also my summary on projection). About the Six, Zuercher writes:

"It is important for directors to weigh the quality of the decisions 6s announce to them. If that quality is quiet and calm, the decision comes from the place of inner authority. If it is not, it may indicate something that was determined because 6s found themselves in a dangerous spot. It may result from their picking up what directors as authority figures deem the thing to do… It is important when dealing with 6s, both in their personal relationships and in the dynamics of direction, to help them distinguish between accurate perceptions and projections that rise out of their own feelings of not being safe."

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