It
Takes Three to Tango
(the two who
dance together, and the dance instructor)
I'm counseling a couple
to build a healthy relationship. An inventory on this couple suggested she's
an Enneagram 2 and 6 (split) and he's an 8. What will be the best techniques
to use employing the Enneagram with this couple?
First
a caveat: I'm not a therapist. I'm a social psychologist and a good process
observer who often uses
the Enneagram. I find it easier to coach clients who are working on a
relationship
(business or personal) because there's immediate feedback about their
interaction. As an objective observer, I can help them see their
relationship dynamics as they happen, instead of relying on how they tell
me they interact. It's very effective to be able to say,
"Let's stop a minute and take a look at what just happened..." or "...at
what A just said to B..." or "...how the two of you are sitting relative to
each other," etc.
Because they learn about
themselves as they explore their relationship dynamics, individuals can improve
their relationships to some degree without the other member of the
partnership present, but that's not quite as powerful, because we can fool
ourselves about how well we apply something we've learned.
That same deficit is present in anything I might say to this reader because
I'm not actually seeing this couple in interaction, playing out their
Enneagram dynamics in their own unique way.
But there are some
guidelines for effective counseling with the Enneagram. First, I'd be
curious to know which inventory this reader used. Many people rely on
written instruments, or at least use them as supplements to determine
Enneagram style. Because I've seen so many individuals
mistyped using
written instruments, I find it much more fruitful to let clients themselves
determine their Enneagram styles by
distinguishing
among all nine. This helps them take
ownership of their own Enneagram dynamics and reduces their
defensiveness, which is helpful to the coach or counselor. More important,
they become clear that many
behaviors are shared
by more than one style, and they eventually center on the one style that
represents their primary driving force.
Inventories can be problematic
because it's very difficult to measure underlying Enneagram patterns with a
written instrument. Some outward characteristics will seem the same for two
people when their motivations and issues are very different. When this
reader described the woman of the couple is a "2 and 6 (split)" I assume she
scored approximately the same on Two and Six. She can't be both, though her
outward characteristics and traits may look like both. While it's common
that Sixes think they might be Twos when they're first learning the
Enneagram, Twos usually know
they're not Sixes:
The underlying
compulsion of the
Two is
"pride" -- this style tends to influence indirectly, to be somewhat
manipulative and/or seductive, and to have a great deal of
difficulty focusing on their own needs -- particularly how they may
contribute to relationship problems. Twos like to align
themselves with those in power, so if your client is a Two, she
wouldn't necessarily be in conflict just because her partner is an
Eight. This is often a sexually expressive combination as long as
the Two is focused on satisfying the Eight's needs, but as time goes
by she will want much more emotional reassurance than the typical Eight
thinks is necessary. To read
what I've written about a Two/Eight partnership, read "Does
Your Mirror Reflect Betty Friedan or Golda Meir?"
The underlying
compulsion of the
Six
is "fear" -- Sixes have big-time issues with authority (which would
be certain to come up with an Eight partner), are pretty open with
feelings and eager to learn about themselves, but will tend to do a
lot of "blaming" of partners (projection). Early in their
relationship Sixes would typically seek the Eight's protection, but later would
begin to see the Eight as a bully. If your client is a Six she might
well be looking for more equality in the relationship, as well as
intimacy.
Helen Palmer has
some helpful comments about both combinations in The Enneagram in Love
and Work ("Directory of Relationships").
When you are the counselor, an
Eight will want you to
tell
it like it is, no matter how raw or
profane, as long as you let him know you care about him in spite of his
rough edges. I don't mean that you
say this to him, but
rather that you
show
your appreciation: by laughing at his jokes, by not being
intimidated.
The end of the story about my first day with my
Eight client, "Buddy Halstrom," is that after showing his delight with my
very direct feedback, he walked with me to the gate at the airport and, when
we shook hands in parting, held the hand I extended with both of his hands,
looked me in the eyes, and said, "Mary, thank you for caring."
It would help me to know
the counselor's Enneagram style. It's important to show the Eight "tough
love." I find Suzanne Zuercher's
Enneagram Companions
(on spiritual direction) applicable in a variety of helping contexts. About
working with Eights, she writes:
"Once a trusting
atmosphere exists, 8s respond to the director's suggestions about
how to gain insight… As they become more free and less fearful they
open to methods of interior work with the same gusto they display in
other areas of living… All of this energy… will frighten 8s; often
they will project this fear onto directors, being tempted to hold
their feeling back lest their directors not be strong enough to bear
it… Strength but not aggression, power but not contest, honesty but
not ruthlessness are what 8s look for in a director."
Twos, on the other hand,
are highly relational, want to be "in" on everything, and will want a
"relationship" with you. Counselors need to be sure they don't let the Two's
focus on the
counselor's
needs take over. I've had meetings with Two business clients where I had to
mentally slap my head when I realized we'd spent the first 15 minutes
talking about
my
life. Trying hard to help clients can take a lot out of you, so it's
seductive when they show concern for you. And that's exactly it -- Twos are
seductive, and they focus on the
other person to avoid dealing with their own needs. It
helps to ask the simple question, "What do you need?" or to gently point out
to the Two how helpful she is and how that pattern at the same time gets in
her way. Zuercher also notes how likely it is the Two will make flattering
remarks to keep the counselor away from uncomfortable topics. She then
writes:
"…directors find it hard to cut through superficiality, reporting,
and wordiness with their 2 directees… probably best dealt with by
pointing out to the 2 what has just taken place, leaving comments on
that observation for the directee to make. Many times 2s are not
aware of what they are doing and having it described helps them
recognize their fear of acknowledging the unpleasant."
I have an Enneagram Two colleague whose
therapist pushed her to tell him anything, however small, she disliked about
him. It was very difficult for her, but immensely helpful, making it "O.K."
for her to feel and say whatever was true for
her instead of focusing on
the other's needs. She was able to transfer that learning to her other
relationships.
Sixes, because of their
watchfulness for others' power tactics, can get into a push-pull interaction
with a counselor. In a class I taught on building relationships with the
Enneagram, I asked participants to state an intention for their own
transformation. One of the Sixes said, "You're the expert, I'd like for you
to tell me what I should focus on."
My answer? "That would be a death
sentence for both of us."(If you respond to a
Six's request for advice,
you
become the authority to rebel against. It's vital that Sixes get in
touch with their own power.)
When the woman in my class asked what I meant by "a death sentence, I said, "What do you think it might mean, given the dynamics of a
Six?"
"That I'm the expert on myself?" she responded.
"Sounds like you're on
to something," I concluded.
The most important work with Sixes
is to help them "bring home their projections" (see "Do You Have Any Feet
Left to Shoot?" and also my summary on
projection).
About the Six, Zuercher writes:
"It
is important for directors to weigh the quality of the decisions 6s
announce to them. If that quality is quiet and calm, the decision
comes from the place of inner authority. If it is not, it may
indicate something that was determined because 6s found themselves
in a dangerous spot. It may result from their picking up what
directors as authority figures deem the thing to do… It is important
when dealing with 6s, both in their personal relationships and in
the dynamics of direction, to help them distinguish between accurate
perceptions and projections that rise out of their own feelings of
not being safe."
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