Boundaries
Can Set You Free
I'm a
Nine. My mother can upset me
more than anyone else with her criticisms. As an example, before a job interview,
all I heard from her was, "Don't mumble, and speak clearly, sit up straight, and
don't move your hands around so much when you talk...." (on and on, she went).
By the time I got to the interview, I was nerve racked. As a result, whenever I'm in
her presence I tend to be very quiet.
Nines sometimes make
themselves victims. That's part of the process of passive
aggression. It's difficult to set clear boundaries and stand up
for their rights. Then they limp away and anger builds, often
toward the person with whom they had difficulty setting
boundaries – but they tamp it down.
I don't mean to
diminish the devastating effects of having such a critical
parent. When you were a child you had no power to resist those
effects, but now you do. You said you're currently living with
your mother. It may be hard for you to believe, because this
seems the path of least resistance when you're broke, but there
are other places to go. The son of one of my friends joined a
Buddhist monastery where everyone contributes according to their
talents – you have music to offer. I'm not suggesting you join a
monastery. I'm asking you to notice when you say things such as,
"I found myself living with my mother." That's what Nines do...
slide into situations because changing things takes enormous
energy. All I can tell you is, take one step at a time.
Most people as adults
keep trying to get a different response from their parents. We all must
develop the ability to
stay with the pain and own
it. Regardless of Enneagram style, the way to break up unhealthy patterns is to
do something different. Assume that your mother won't change, notice
when you look to her for support and approval, and do something different. It's
better if you dream up the "something different" up yourself.
Some ideas: instead of trying
not
to do something, dive into it. I know that sounds strange, but it's much more
effective. For example, if you're nervous before an interview, get into the
nervousness, exaggerate it and you'll be surprised
that it goes away. What you'll do is surprise your unconscious, which until now has
convinced you that it owns you. The message: "If I can make it worse, I can
make it better, so you don't own me." Another example, go visit your mother
with the plan to be as passive as you can possibly imagine. Joke with yourself about
it... something like, "Since I know this is a pattern we keep alive, when she gets
critical I'm going to fall on the floor, curl up in a ball, and suck my
thumb." Or, when she criticizes you for being such a wimp, go over and hug her,
saying "I love your predictability, Mom; don't ever change." Make
up some variations of your own.
Nines characteristically have difficulty
setting boundaries. Sit down and make a list of all the
things you tolerate in your life. When the list is done, pick out two or three that bug you the most. Tackle them, bit
by bit. Assertiveness training can help. In my early thirties, I was so anxious
speaking in front of a group I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. I
also was enormously nervous in interviews – how I got one job I'll never know, because I
was in a total fog from the moment I walked through the guy's office door. Practicing being assertive helped. Over the years I've become a real showboat; I'm still nervous when I speak to someone new
or present to a crowd, but I end up cracking jokes and putting people at ease." Quite a change from wanting to be swallowed up and disappear!
There are many
good books on assertiveness. You could probably practice on your
own with the help of a book, but a workshop could be invaluable. If you do want to
become more assertive, start practicing in easier situations than with your mother.
For example,
you're eating alone in a restaurant and something about the food isn't what you asked
for. Instead of telling yourself, "It's OK, it's not worth the bother,"
get up your courage and say something direct that will get your needs met,
such as,
"Thanks for being so quick with my order. I did ask for cheese in my grits,
though, and that's still what I want."
Please take credit for what you've
accomplished in your life, set a goal for yourself, make manageable chunks and go after
them, one at a time. You said music is a medium for you to express yourself but
your mother discouraged music as a career. Your idea of majoring in music is
terrific. Go with it.
