Out of
the Box Coaching and
Breakthroughs with the Enneagram,
Mary R. Bast, Ph.D.
Copyright © 1999. All rights reserved. Revised:
October 05, 2008
How Boundaries Can Set You Free
I'm a Nine. My mother can upset me more than anyone else with her criticisms. As an example, before a job interview, all I heard from her was, "Don't mumble, and speak clearly, sit up straight, and don't move your hands around so much when you talk...." (on and on, she went). By the time I got to the interview, I was nerve racked. As a result, whenever I'm in her presence I tend to be very quiet.
One of the things Nines sometimes do is make themselves victims. That's part of the process of passive aggression. It's hard for Nines to take care of themselves by setting clear boundaries and standing up for their rights. Then they limp away and anger builds, often toward the person with whom they had difficulty setting boundaries -- but they tamp it down. I don't mean to diminish the devastating effects of having such a critical parent. When you were a child you had no power to resist those effects, but now you do. You said you're currently living with your mother. It may be hard for you to believe, because this seems the path of least resistance when you're broke, but there are other places to go. The son of one of my friends joined a Buddhist monastery where everyone contributes according to their talents -- you have music to offer. I'm not suggesting you join a monastery. I'm asking you to notice when you hear yourself saying things such as, "I found myself living with my mother." That's what Nines do... slide into situations because changing things takes enormous energy. All I can tell you is, one step at a time.
Most people as adults keep trying to get a different response from their parents. You may have read my article about my mother's response to my tattoo. I did then what you must develop the ability to do... stay with the pain and own it. Regardless of Enneagram style, the way to break up unhealthy patterns is to do something different. Assume that your mother won't change, notice when you look to her for support and approval, and do something different. It's better if you dream up the "something different" up yourself.
Some ideas: instead of trying not to do something, dive into it. I know that sounds strange, but it's much more effective. For example, if you're nervous before an interview, get into the nervousness, exaggerate it and you'll be surprised that it goes away. What you'll do is surprise your unconscious, which until now has convinced you that it owns you. The message: "If I can make it worse, I can make it better, so you don't own me." Another example, go visit your mother with the plan to be as passive as you can possibly imagine. Joke with yourself about it... something like, "Since I know this is a pattern we keep alive, when she gets critical I'm going to fall on the floor, curl up in a ball, and suck my thumb." Or, when she criticizes you for being such a wimp, go over and hug her, saying "I love your predictability, Mom; don't ever change." Make up some variations of your own.
Nines characteristically have difficulty setting boundaries. Sit down and make a list of all the things you tolerate in your life. When the list is done, pick out two or three that bug you the most. Tackle them, bit by bit. Assertiveness training can help. One Nine said, "I was so anxious speaking in front of a group I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. I also was enormously nervous in interviews -- how I got one job I'll never know, because I was in a total fog from the moment I walked through the guy's office door. Practicing being assertive helped. Over the years I've become a real showboat; I'm still nervous when I speak to someone new or present to a crowd, but I end up cracking jokes and putting people at ease." Quite a change from wanting to be swallowed up and disappear! There are many good books on assertiveness. You could probably practice on your own with the help of a book, but a workshop could be invaluable. If you do want to become more assertive, start practicing in easier situations than with your mother, e.g., you're eating alone in a restaurant and something about the food isn't what you asked for. Instead of telling yourself, "It's OK, it's not worth the bother," get up your courage and say something direct that will get your needs met; e.g., "Thanks for being so quick with my order. I did ask for my grits with cheese, though, and that's still what I want."
Please take credit for what you have accomplished in your life, set a goal for yourself, make manageable chunks and go after them, one at a time. You said music is a medium for you to express yourself but your mother discouraged music as a career. Your idea of majoring in music is terrific. Go with it.
More responses to readers' questions