Does Your Mirror Reflect Betty Friedan
or Golda Meir?
Since I first learned about the Enneagram I've thought I was an Eight, but a friend recently suggested I'm a Two. I just visited your web site, looked at the Two page, and
clicked on the "A Compliant Type" link. I enjoyed it and was interested to
note the difference between the influence/manipulation of the Eight vs. the Two. I'm very much aware of the approval-seeking nature of my behavior and I think my
friend may be right. But I'm not sure. Could you clear this up?
Because my reader is a woman I'll speak mainly to the female characterizations
of these two styles, though in general we think of the
Two as stereotypically feminine and the
Eight as stereotypically masculine -- and in my experience these are
exaggerated into the "fussy helper"/"manipulative seductress" and the
"bully"/"big bear of a guy." Just keep in mind these are
stereotypes.
Both Twos and Eights are often misunderstood, and I think both
are given a
bad rap: they're seen one-dimensionally. Many people think only of the
Two stereotypes of a Mother Teresa-like persona or her "evil twin," the part
played by Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction.
I've coached many people who
acknowledge they're Twos based on their clear devotion to service. I've seen many
other "closet Twos," particularly in workshops (and particularly men), who
describe themselves as Eights and refuse to consider Two because they can't
reconcile their aggressiveness with the stereotype of "the helper."
But notice the influential style and aggressiveness of some of the Twos
Condon identifies in The Enneagram Movie & Video Guide: Feminist Betty
Friedan, author Erica Jong, Sophia Loren, Yoko Ono, family therapist Virginia Satir,
or the role Linda Hunt plays ("Billy Kwan") in the
movie The Year of
Living Dangerously.
Whereas Twos are mistakenly stereotyped as "always helping," Eights
are mistakenly stereotyped as "always controlling." Others often transfer their unresolved
authority issues onto Eights and perceive them as bigger than life. I
realize Eights can be bullies, but I have trouble understanding why
balanced descriptions such as this by Condon don't have more prominence in peoples'
minds:
"Unguarded Eights often
demonstrate the strength of gentleness -- they are strong enough to be kind, open enough to be touched, secure enough to be wrong,
rich enough to be giving."
Even Condon, though, has trouble coming up with female Eights. I don't
know what the distribution is in the general population, but I've only coached a few
female Eights. In work settings most senior executives are male anyway, and
in personal life Eights -- male or female -- aren't likely to come in for coaching. So, we're probably missing some good data.
Still, Condon mentions the following women who might convey the sense of a
Two-ish Eight: Golda Meir, film actresses Lucille Ball and Ida Lupino, singer Grace
Slick, Barbara Walters, or the role of Kathleen Turner in the movie,
V.I. Warshawski.
So how do we describe
the sometimes subtle difference between a Betty Friedan
and a Golda Meir? Some Twos are somewhat soft, more openly dependent, more
clearly manipulative, and convey a sense of entitlement. But some are quite pushy, ambitious, focused on
power. And some are more Eight-like: seemingly independent, more
adventuresome. These Twos can boss people around. They can even intimidate an
Eight (and I've seen this happen in a work setting). In my opinion this is possible
because Twos are more relational than Eights, much better able to put themselves in
someone else's shoes, and therefore can "psych someone out" in ways an Eight
typically can't. Furthermore, Twos' defensiveness can show up as histrionic anger, for which an Eight has
very little patience -- an Eight would be very uncomfortable sticking around for a fight
of this nature.
Of a Two manager I worked with, people said, "She really engineered the
program and made it work, and professionally she's solid as a rock, willing to do whatever
it takes to get things done. She's excellent at sizing up client needs and very
compassionate. She's the person you would want to take care of you. But when sought for advice she'll take over the entire situation. Furthermore, she
has the innate ability to know what your absolute, most vulnerable spot is and cut you to
the core. She gets irrational and moody, which has a fairly dramatic impact on the
team." The following observation was made about her and her boss (an Eight):
"They both have this dumb view that you meet control head on, and the more she goes
like a bulldog, the more he pulls away from her. It's ironic that she doesn't want
him to control everything, yet she's the same way."
I
coached another Two client, Karen, and her brother, Darrell
(a
Six), who were trying to come to agreement about
their father's estate. Darrell was trying to hold his own by reminding Karen of everything
he'd done for the family and repeating his disappointment
with their progress to date. Karen lashed into him in a very Eight-like way, but
with high emotion. I made one comment: "Karen, it sounds as if you don't feel
your needs are being responded to here. What is it you want?" and she started
crying: she did want to be approved of and not be seen or treated as "an
impossible bitch" With that level of disclosure they were able to open a
conversation and finally to reach resolution.
To further illustrate the "Eight-ness" of some Twos I'll give a
male example. Bob was a practical, hands-on, concrete guy and head
of a private detective agency. The agents on his staff described him as having
"a strong personality," being "demanding" and "short on
patience," "perturbed with people when they've been instructed how to do things
and then don't do it." Said one person, "He told me, 'This is not a democracy
and I'll have to tighten the screws.'" "He's fired a lot of people," said
another; "he can harden his heart and stiffen his neck."
As I got to know Bob I discovered he'd been
a priest for 15 years, entering the seminary from high
school "because it made me important and special to my
family. It took me more than ten years to figure out it wasn't
my vocation and another five years to make the break."
After discussing the Enneagram and listening to Richard Rohr's tapes, Bob wrote out
his life story, first from the perspective of his compulsion, and
then from the perspective of his highest soul level -- captured in part below. As these excerpts demonstrate so
well, it's from the heart of our motivation that we identify our Enneagram style,
not
from external behaviors:
COMPULSION
"As a very young child I always felt special
and felt the need to do things that showed I was special. Before my father came back from the war
and my sister was born, I liked being the center of attention. If I
didn't get my way or others seemed to be in the spotlight, I would pout, get angry, become
silent -- all things that clearly told everyone I was unhappy and needed to be
pacified. I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed but when I didn't do well in
athletics I quit or had plenty of excuses."
HIGH LEVEL OF SOUL
"Over-all I see myself as a good
person. I see my willingness to help others, people and causes, as a
generosity. I'm sensitive and can recognize a need before it's expressed and
usually respond to it rather than ignore it. I don't hide or disguise my feelings --
I get emotional and can cry either from a sense of joy or a sense of sorrow. My wife
and my daughter and I share special relationships that make me and them happy. I
feel I've touched the lives of many people, both as a priest and as an ordinary
person."
