Head to Head
I'd like to know more
about how two Eights respond, react, and live together in a
marriage and business partnership.
To be honest, as many
Eights as I've
found running things in the business world, I've never seen a reporting relationship of
two Eights. Eights don't typically hire other Eights to work closely with them.
They're more likely to surround themselves with
Nines
and Sixes, and maybe a few assorted
Ones,
Twos,
and Threes). Nines can accept the Eight's directions and see the teddy bear behind
the teeth; they also tend to act as a buffer with others, especially when the
Nine has a one-to-one subtype. Sixes may challenge
at first but the ones who stay are usually
social subtype
Sixes who are willing to follow the system and rules set up by the Eight.
An Eight told me a true story about two
puppies from the same litter who were put out to play in the back yard. Their owner
kept coming home at the end of the day and finding them all muddy and slimy with saliva
(an Eight story!). As time went by he'd find them full of bite marks
and a little blood, especially the male, who was the runt of the litter. The
owner finally
had to find another home for the little one, because he was afraid the puppies'
"play" would do the runt in!
Eights
tend to be territorial, and wouldn't like to "share" with
another Eight in a work setting. Michael Goldberg (The Nine
Ways of Working) sees the Eight/Eight pairing as one where "worlds
collide." I've coached an Eight (let's call him "Harry") who
provided services to an organization where he received his primary support from another
Eight, "Bill." That worked very well because they recognized each other as
kindred spirits; both "what you see is what you get" kind of guys who
knew no games were being played as long as they were in interaction. Bill was
not the one with whom Harry negotiated his contract, so the two of them could kick back and not get
into winning. In contrast, one of Harry's suppliers was an Eight who didn't meet a deadline and
tried to charge more than they'd agreed on: Harry hated his guts. They were
both
out to win (and Harry did)!
In personal relationships, Eights
can attract each
other. They don't like weak partners, so they're naturally respectful of
another strong person, and they have mutual respect for their shared value of
fairness. When two Eights clash in a personal relationship it's "the battle of
the Titans," though not always in obvious ways. I worked with one Eight/Eight
couple who were both introverts (for
MBTI fans, he
was an
ISTJ and she an
INTJ). They were both so
reluctant to show weakness they tended to avoid having a true conversation and instead
made petty, vindictive remarks to each other. If you're in an Eight/Eight relationship you need to negotiate your roles
carefully so each of you has a sense of control over your own
"territory." Then it can be, according to an Eight friend
married to an Eight, "the agony
and the ecstasy." A poem by Anna Wickham called "The
Marriage" captures this quality.
One of the best strategies for Eights is
Ethical Persuasion.
This book was recommended to me by an Eight (we created a workshop for him and his team using
these principles as a centerpiece). Rusk writes about the importance of treating each other
with "respect, understanding, caring, and
fairness." Where there's conflict, both parties agree one will start the
discussion and be
fully
heard. The receiver simply plays back what he or she has heard until the
sender can say, "I believe you've really heard what I have to say." Then you switch
roles so the receiver is now the sender.
Only when both partners have been
fully heard do you seek a
solution. This method needs to be coupled with the
skill of active
listening, which can help Eights build empathy; otherwise, they can find
it difficult to put themselves in others' shoes.
