Head to Head: Two Eights Together

I'd like to know more about how two Eights respond, react, and live together in a marriage and business partnership.

To be honest, as many Eights as I've found running things in the business world, I've never seen a reporting relationship of two Eights. Eights don't typically hire other Eights to work closely with them. They're more likely to surround themselves with Nines and Sixes, and maybe a few assorted Ones, Twos, and Threes). Nines can accept the Eight's directions and see the teddy bear behind the teeth; they also tend to act as a buffer with others, especially when the Nine has a one-to-one subtype. Sixes may challenge at first but the ones who stay are usually social Sixes who are willing to follow the system and rules set up by the Eight.

An Eight told me a true story about two puppies from the same litter who were put out to play in the back yard. Their owner kept coming home at the end of the day and finding them all muddy and slimy with saliva (yes, it's an Eight story). As time went on he'd find them full of bite marks and a little blood, especially the male, who was the runt of the litter. The owner finally had to find another home for the little one, because he was afraid the puppies' "play" would do the runt in!

Eights are pretty territorial, and wouldn't like to "share" with another Eight in a work setting (they mostly hate the word). Michael Goldberg (The Nine Ways of Working) sees the Eight/Eight pairing as one where "worlds collide." I've coached an Eight (let's call him "Harry") who provided services to an organization where he received his primary support from another Eight, "Bill." That worked very well because they recognized each other as kindred spirits; both "what you see is what you get" kind of guys who knew no games were being played as long as they were in interaction. Bill was not the one with whom Harry negotiated his contract, so the two of them could kick back and not get into winning. In contrast, one of Harry's suppliers was an Eight who didn't meet a deadline and tried to charge more than they'd agreed on: Harry hated his guts. They were both out to win (and Harry did)!

In personal relationships, Eights can attract each other. They don't like weak partners, so they're naturally respectful of another strong person, and they have mutual respect for their shared value of fairness. When two Eights clash in a personal relationship it's "the battle of the Titans," though not always in obvious ways. I worked with one Eight/Eight couple who were both introverts (for MBTI fans, he was an ISTJ and she an INTJ). They were both so reluctant to show weakness they tended to avoid having a true conversation and instead made petty, vindictive remarks to each other. If you're in an Eight/Eight relationship you need to negotiate your roles carefully so each of you has a sense of control over your own "territory." Then it can be, as one friend pointed out, "the agony and the ecstasy." A delightful poem by Anna Wickham called "The Marriage" captures this quality.

One of the best strategies for Eights is from The Power of Ethical Persuasion: Winning Through Understanding at Work and at Home, by Tom Rusk. This book was recommended to me by an Eight (we created a workshop for him and his team using these principles as a centerpiece). You can see how appealing it would be to an Eight because Rusk talks about the importance of treating each other with "respect, understanding, caring, and fairness." Both parties agree one will start and be fully heard. The receiver simply plays back what he or she has heard until the sender can say, "I believe you've really heard what I have to say." Then you switch roles so the receiver is now the sender. Only when both partners have been fully heard do you seek a solution to any problems that have come up. This method needs to be coupled with the skill of a ctive listening. Active listening helps Eights build empathy; otherwise, they have a hard time putting themselves in others' shoes.

More responses to readers' questions