Is This Normal?
I've
been going through some of the work of transformation, and oft times, it's
not been pretty. That's why I loved your story of Carl Jung
having to go through the "vat of shit." My greatest challenges
are in watching my children go through adolescence and
experience pain. I hate it. I watched my 14-year-old
Nine daughter interact with her
classmates recently. She was always on the periphery. She seemed content, but I wanted her
in the center of the action. After all, isn't she missing so much? Yet, she
seems so at peace so much of the time. Is she running away from the challenges of working
through new friendships by acting content? I have to face my
Seven-ish compulsion to help her feel happy and secure at every
moment.
As a Nine, I do want to comment about the reader's Nine daughter.
Being on the periphery IS lonely, and we Nines do miss a lot. Of course the Seven above
has figured out her solution is not her daughter's solution. If, in fact, her
daughter is "acting" content, it's probably an unconscious choice. I remember
very well being 14. I did fine because I was a good student and other people (friends,
faculty) kept drawing me into things, but it was pretty much an agony to put myself out
there. On the other hand, one of my happiest memories was sitting in my room reading, with
my cat, and listening to the rain on the roof. There is a deep contentment in solitude
that other styles (except possibly Fives) have
difficulty understanding.
Some of my Nine clients do reduce
their interaction with the world to a minimum, but most find a way to be drawn in by other
peoples' agendas and eventually find their own way to initiate in
relationships.
I asked this reader if she'd invited her daughter to look at the
Enneagram and figure out her own style. I didn't know the Enneagram when my kids were teenagers, but
it's invaluable now that they're grown; and I have other friends with teenagers who've
found the Enneagram very helpful, inviting their kids to determine their own
styles. Her reply makes clear the value of the transformation work
she's doing:
Yes, I've shared the Enneagram with my daughter
quite extensively. She doesn't always share herself easily, so she's not shared much of
her reaction as the Enneagram relates to her personally. She's read much, though,
and uses it to try to understand her friends better. I'm concerned about discussing the
Enneagram too much with her as I don't know that I want her observing her every move this
young. I suppose I'm concerned that too much self observation at a young age will somehow
take away an innocent joi de vivre. Perhaps that is too Sevenish a thought?"
(Notice this mother's observation of herself, and her thoughtful and non-judgmental self
questioning.)
So much of my sense of self has relied on the
group, and as I grow, I'm trying to separate from that," this Seven continued
as she acknowledged some of her learnings from the Enneagram. "I'm trying to be
aware of my need to go toward people and charm them so I can eliminate my fears of non-acceptance. I've always made friends so easily and my memories of childhood were
always wonderful until I started doing the Enneagram work. It has truly helped me discover
why I handle situations with my children the way I do.
My daughter has to find her way in
the world that works for her. She seemed to socialize the way you did, with her friends
leading her along. I always wanted her to take the lead but she doesn't seem to feel
comfortable doing so. It's funny, but last night she showed me her school scrapbook full
of memories and anecdotes about the year. When I asked her if she liked school, she said
an enthusiastic, "Yes!" Watching my children go through adolescence has taught
me more about myself than I ever wanted to know!
