Leading with
Integrity:
A Workshop for Women
(co-developed with Mary Pierce Brosmer -- poet, teacher, founder
of
Women Writing for (a)
Change)
The model of an ordinary
successful life that is held up for young people is one of
early decision and commitment... that launches a single,
rising trajectory... These assumptions have not been valid
for many of history's most creative people, and they are
increasingly inappropriate today. The landscape through
which we move is in constant flux... Composing a life
involves a continual re-imagining of the future and
reinterpretation of the past to give meaning to the present,
remembering best those events that prefigured what followed (Mary Catherine Bateson, Composing a Life).
The purpose of this
racially integrated women's leadership retreat was two-fold:
-
to highlight the common root of
"integrity" and "integration" – honoring leadership as a
balance of creative, spiritual, intellectual, and
emotional qualities;
-
to model for younger,
less experienced women that leadership can be learned and each leadership style has
gifts and opportunities for growth.
"Generating my own
words, listening to those of many women," wrote my co-leader Mary Brosmer in a
pre-reading, "I am changed each
moment."
The following objectives were listed on our brochure: After
completing the workshop, you will be able to:
-
utilize writing as a
tool for self-exploration,
-
engage in techniques to
help you better integrate your inner life and outer action,
-
use the Enneagram to
better understand your own and others' leadership styles,
-
develop action plans to
help you effectively lead with integrity,
-
address your personal
areas of interest about being an effective leader.
We started the retreat by
asking participants to form a circle as we introduced the theme of uniting reflection and
action, quoting from Clarissa Pinkola Estes:
Traditionally,
human rights movements in the Americas since the 1940s
– those led by Dorothy Day, Martin
Luther King, Los Cofrades in Guatemala, and others
– have relied on the paradigm wherein
valuation of inner life and that of outer action are held together as a single thought. These
together enable one to make a potent motion in the world.
Satyagraha,
as Gandhi called it, is the power of oldest knowing and
just action
woven together ... these constitute a trans-psychic truth that fires not just personal
action, but more so, calls the soul to action; the fierce, image-making soul.
("Face Into the Wind... Protect The Flame," interview in
Psychological
Perspectives, Issue 28, 1993)
Each woman stepped into
the circle with the intention to make space for her own hopes for the retreat, as well as
what she might receive that was different from what she expected. Before listening
to stories from a panel of women executives, we described how Tom and Kate Chappell
started Tom's of Maine to fulfill their belief that a company can be financially
successful, environmentally sensitive, and socially responsible. We also emphasized the
potential learning from hearing each others' stories, quoting from Chappell's book,
The Soul of a Business:
Storytelling
conveys who you are, shares your values, brings the people you work with into your life,
identifies you as more than a job category by informing them of your joys as well as your
problems. Storytelling inspires passion and creativity. Each of us comes to a story
– and
goes away from it
– with different experiences, but
every story we hear can teach us something about our own lives. The
connection may not be in the details, but in the overall meaning.
Each member of the panel
– representing six of the nine Enneagram styles – told a personal story that described a
growth opportunity from which she learned to be a better leader and a more integrated
human being. Women in the audience were asked to make note – for later discussion:
"What one image, phrase, or story struck you in some way, either as something you
resonate with or something that strikes a dissonant chord in you?"
* *
*
The
women on the panel had met before the workshop with Mary Pierce Brosmer for a writing session.
Their stories below are both inspiring and reflective of the pain they'd experienced in
their own growth as leaders. As suggested by Carolyn Heilbrun:
We women today who have
entered the public sphere exist there in a state of intermittent anxiety and pain. Nor is
it possible to foretell the source of the pain or the pattern it will follow. When women
had their stories written for them, played out their destinies toward marriage or death,
they knew the pain that might follow ... But for women today in new places and new jobs,
there is no story to explain the pain, which is as unexpected as it is acute. We had been
told if we were kind and loving we would be loved in return. In the public sphere, this
is not true ... Pain is not easier for having been suffered before in the same way, but it
is more bearable for having been narrated. (from "What Was Penelope
Unweaving" in Hamlet's Mother and Other Women).
* *
*
For Karen, Enneagram style
Eight, we read from
Elinor
Wylie's poem, "Madman's Song":
Better to
see your cheek grown hollow,
Better to see your temple worn
Than to forget to follow, follow,
After the silver horn.
We introduced Karen with a
quote from Kathleen Nobel's The Sound of a Silver Horn: "Nobel argues that
we have no good female models in our culture's heroic myths. The Eight's 'take charge'
quality seems a natural fit with the 'heroic'. How has this quality shown up in your
life?"
Karen: "As a young manager in a large corporation I was only the
second woman to have a position at this level of responsibility, and I was supervising
12 technicians on several different shifts. I was given
no management
training and didn't feel comfortable asking for help. Besides, my boss had no personnel
skills at all. I was very forthright in my style and not naturally disposed to be
sensitive to others. I remember in particular how I laid into a subordinate after only
hearing one side of the story from someone else. This was my turnaround as a leader
– the
experience of empathy with someone I'd written off!"
* *
*
To Alice, style
Nine, we quoted from Denise Levertov's
Variation on a Theme by Rilke:
A certain day became a
presence to me;
... it leaned over
and struck my shoulder as if with
the flat of a sword ...
--or it was I, a bell awakened,
and what I heard was my whole self
saying and singing what it knew:
I can.
"Our experience with
Nines," we said to Alice (both Marys are Nines), "is that when we awaken to
ourselves it really is a 'wake-up call', very dramatic and sometimes
even scary. Tell us about the experience of awakening to yourself."
Alice: "I was recovering from alcohol addiction and working at A.A.
I saw a lot of women in recovery who were looking for a place to live and who had many
other barriers to overcome, such as caring for small children on their own. I realized how
lucky I was to have economic security and a strong female support group, so I helped form
a nonprofit corporation to provide housing for these women. This was very difficult for
me. I had to learn how to go out and talk to people about money while NOT succumbing to
BIG money
– companies who would have wanted to control what we did. Because I felt a
sense of belonging and appreciation for the group I was part of, I was able to become an
advocate for women, speaking out in ways I'd never done before."
* *
*
Mary Oliver's poem
Wild Geese, was
our introduction to Harriet, style
One on our panel:
You do not have to be
good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting...
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
We reminded the audience
(who'd read about the
nine styles before the
workshop) of the message Ones received as children that they
do have to be
"good." Subsequently they've carried an internal voice telling them things need to be
perfect. Of Harriet we asked, "How has that search for the highest quality played out
for you?"
Harriet: "I was hired away from a successful medical practice to
supervise the final stages of development of a cancer drug for a company seeking FDA
approval. I felt I could really help make a difference in the world, but was appalled
to discover their methods of data collection and coding had been very sloppy. I
assumed everyone on my staff would have the same sense of urgency I had to correct
these problems, so I took them on a retreat to plan revisions in their protocol. When I
came back I was told by my boss no one wanted to work for me. They felt I'd told them
everything they'd done was worthless. I felt shocked and hurt, but I realized I
needed to find a more inspiring way to help them improve their skills."
* *
*
"Sixes often describe the difficulty
of feeling certain of
themselves," we said of Nancy. Then we read from Nina Bogin's touching poem about
maturing into oneself,
Initiation, II:
...When I walked up the
road, the string sack
heavy on my arm, I thought
that my legs could take me anywhere,
into any country, any life...
I climbed the pink stairs, entered
the house as calm and ephemeral
as my own certainty:
this is my house, my key,
my hand with its new lines.
I am as old as I will ever be.
Nancy: "My father was an Episcopal
Priest
– actually, he was 'God' in our house! I don't know what his Enneagram
style was,
but he never asked for help. I guess I was following in his footsteps because I used to
operate on the premise that I should have all the answers (I don't)
– other people always
looked like they knew what they were doing so I would just keep on working, hoping I'd
figure things out. Then I'd end up blaming my staff when there were problems and
thinking
they were just making excuses. What changed things for me was having my daughter, who's
now almost two years old. I didn't want to just 'punch it out' anymore. I began
questioning whether or not I wanted to stay in a leadership role, sought the help of a
consultant, and quit trying to do everything by myself."
* *
*
Margaret, a
Two, had asked us to read from Mary Oliver's
The Journey, because it had spoken so
clearly to her issues:
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
'Mend my life!'
each voice cried...
"How has being a
'helper' aided you in your career?" we asked Margaret.
Margaret: "I'd quit a secure job because I felt burned out.
I saw bureaucracies swallowing up money that could have been better used to help the
mentally ill. While I was taking a breather I saw a description of the county's plan for
mental health. I wanted to respond but saw it as a mixed opportunity
– I was in a state
of panic and self-doubt, knowing my senior colleagues and ex-bosses would now be my
peers, knowing no one in her right mind would dare to be this different in the
public eye. Yet I really wanted to do it because it was an opportunity to defy all the
practices I knew were not working, and the severely mentally ill people who'd been
abandoned would benefit. I struggled with whether to ask for the same salary male
directors were getting. I also struggled with others' reactions
– they'd say things like,
'Don't take this personally, but this project will never make it!' It took me four years
to get equal compensation, and six years to convince myself I knew as much as others
in similar positions. At that point I finally quit worrying that I needed to be more like
them and less like myself. From that place I could speak confidently about what I knew,
could sit at the table without anger and with mutual respect for our differences."
* *
*
Darlene: "When I think of myself as a high-performer
–
style
Three
– I think of "hoop-jumping." For
many, many years it never occurred to me that failure was possible. Of course, I
hadn't put myself in situations where failure would be possible! If someone who
worked for me wasn't doing the job, I'd fire them and do
their job too. Later in
my life I realized I'd done this as a child to get love. We lived on a farm and you
worked on the farm. Exceptional results were expected by my parents but they weren't
clearly defined ahead of time, so I worked extra hard to make sure I got exceptional
results. I was finally brought up short when I fell in love with a man, hired him,
and then went into my turbo 'do' mode at work and at home until this powder-keg situation
blew up. As I tried to figure out what happened I was struck by how automatically and
industrially I had gone into this 'do' mode. And the frightening part of this realization
was the question, 'With all that doing removed, what else is there to love?' Now
I'm asking, 'Hello, Self, what are you like?'"
* *
*
Following the panel
discussion we asked participants to sit at tables by Enneagram style and to reflect or
free-write on any resonance/dissonance in reaction to the panel members' comments. There
was a facilitator at each table who reinforced the following expectations:
-
Time/space to reflect,
deepen, integrate
-
Notice resonance; treat
dissonance as an opportunity to open a door
-
Encourage each person in
the group to speak
-
Respectfully listen to
each other in true dialogue, without judgment or attempt to influence
-
Discuss and weave
meaning; learn from each other
The women read to each other and discussed what they'd written in response
to the leadership stories, then created a list of questions about the Enneagram. Before
lunch we gave them a brief summary of the nine styles and engaged them in interaction with
the panel:
-
In response to questions
from the audience Karen (Eight) acknowledged she's "typical" in that she
has great difficulty putting herself in others' shoes. "Contrary to the stereotype I
had of the Eight, though," she continued, "I have great respect for others'
authority if I believe they're being fair. And I've learned to make my expectations clear
in a way considers others' motivations."
-
Further discussion
revealed that Alice (Nine) has a particularly strong trust in a higher power: "During
the building of this non-profit organization I really came to know the importance of being
alive to 'spirit' – trusting in so-called 'coincidence', believing the people who
show up will somehow be the right people vs. assuming there's no fit or that they can't
help in some way."
-
The key element that
showed up in Harriet's (One) responses to audience questions was the strength of her
idealism – she described how she'd been taught by her parents to seek the highest
excellence. As she talked, her finely tuned ability to envision a future beyond the status
quo became apparent.
-
Women in the audience questioned Nancy (Six) as to why a
woman would operate from such a traditional male
leadership model. Nancy admitted she'd always longed for
partnership, but had tended to operate implicitly from the only
leadership model she'd known. In her traditional family, women didn't have any power.
Ironically, she discovered when she shares responsibility the people on her staff
take it on without excuses. She's also come to recognize that placing the blame outward
grew out of her own uncertainty.
-
When Margaret (Two) was
asked what finally precipitated her leaving the old job (a tough move when you don't have
any money saved), she said, "It was very hard because everyone advised me not to
–
after all, I was raising my son by myself. But I dreamed that my soul was being
murdered, and knew I had to do it."
-
In her conversation with the audience,
Darlene described how she'd used her gifts as a Three to compose a life
where she would be "indifferent to mirrors." She created a vision to build
her company to a million-dollar value and then sell it. She'd recently accomplished
this, but instead of turning again to her 'do' mode, she signed up with the Peace
Corps and was heading off to North Africa.
After lunch, participants
were invited to re-select a table (assuming some were redefining their probable
Enneagram style), followed by a continued discussion of the Enneagram, emphasizing the
following:
-
The true meaning of
"heroic act" is to know your true desires and make them manifest in the outer
world.
-
You're learning about
the Enneagram in the oral tradition, by seeing the styles in action and hearing their
stories.
-
There's great variation
within a style – what's common is their key motivation.
-
This is only a
beginning, intended to engage your curiosity to learn more about yourself .
After a question and
answer period we introduced leadership development actions for each style, followed by
action planning. We suggested they select actions based
on leverage for change (direct connection to the key issues of each style), drawn from Condon's books and his
Lifethemes workshop, from Palmer's
The Enneagram and
The Enneagram in Love & Work, from Riso/Hudson's
Personality
Types, and from our own experience with clients. Here are some examples:
One: Use positive
reframing, explore multiple options, learn creativity techniques.
Two: Be more
self-disclosing, especially about your own needs
– make sure conversations are two-way.
Three: Recognize your
feelings first by naming physical sensations
– develop a vocabulary of feelings so you
can distinguish among them.
Four: Shift your mood
through physical exercise or movement (yoga, qigong, tai chi).
Five: Look up early
photographs and identify the emotions reflected in these images throughout your life.
Six: Notice how you
give away your power
– analyze your underlying assumptions about where power lies in a
situation.
Seven: Notice when
you're exaggerating
– instead, focus descriptively on
exactly what happened: the
down sides as well as the up sides.
Eight: Use
active listening not just to understand, but as a way of developing empathy
–
probe until you can feel what the other person is feeling.
Nine: Do something
that makes you uncomfortable
– such as a scary movie or a roller coaster
– and stay with
it, calibrating your discomfort on a scale from one to ten.
After working
on these actions, they read out their ideas to the larger group so each
style could learn from the others and apply those ideas in their relationships with various
styles.
To provide a break from
mental activity and enjoy our woodsy setting, participants were then taken through a
30-minute tai chi exercise representing the Five Elements
(fire, earth, metal, water, and wood). Tai chi heightens body awareness and redistributes
our state of attention, promoting creative integration.
For the next two hours
they engaged in writing as a tool for self-exploration: After a fast-writing warm-up to
overcome any blocks to self-expression they were invited to write for 30
minutes
– continuing what they started earlier in the day in response to stories from panel
members. Each read some sentences to the group that represented key elements of their own
stories.
After dinner participants
were offered a choice of movement through dance or guided meditation, followed by a
community gathering to sing and share their stories.
The second morning was
devoted to topic tables to support their own leadership issues. Based on information
gathered prior to the workshop, they had the choice of round-table discussions on:
-
depression / anger / anxiety, authority / influence, assertiveness / self-empowerment,
-
accessing feelings / self-disclosure,
or
-
competition / cooperation.
The tables
were attended by experienced facilitators and each topic was tied to participants'
Enneagram styles. They were offered some structure (techniques, books, and other
resources) and "grounded" theory, along with free discussion. They were
encouraged to strengthen their support system by sharing phone numbers if they wished.
After pushing chairs back
into a large circle, the final session was introduced with the following quote:
"The biggest risk we
take is to commit ourselves to a future we want to create for
ourselves."
During the following
process, each woman present was asked to commit herself publicly to something she
wanted to create for herself.
-
We used a "Talking
Stick" carved by a Paoa Council elder
– "When you have the stick, it speaks the
truth from your heart." It's a symbol of a group's integrity and capability
for spirited communication, and so, can help empower the expressiveness of the individual
who holds it. Whoever holds the Talking Stick cannot be interrupted.
-
Each was asked to listen
with a "beginner's mind"
– without influence of long-held images and memories
or firmly held positions
– with the ears of a child hearing a bedtime story: "When
we are graced with that kind of listening and devoted to its practice, our ability to be
empathic grows, we enter a world of spontaneous self-discovery, and ultimately come to
recognize our inseparable connection to all forms of life."
-
After several moments of
silence, with music in the background, each woman was invited to contact her own wisdom,
to reveal a commitment that had been waiting to be born, that would wisely
manifest the gifts of her Enneagram style.
The
comments we received from these women affirmed the quality
of the learning they helped to create. They appreciated the
opportunity to share their experience ("To know I'm not
alone"), they "gained strength and inspiration from each
others' stories," and the sense of community "inspired
bonding and helped foster freedom and support." A typical
remark: "To speak and put myself out there was a powerful
experience."
