"Plain" Vanilla

I once read an article quoting the Dalai Lama (probably a Nine) as saying he had work-out equipment in his office, then adding with a laugh: "But I don't like to sweat." This is a perfect metaphor for Nines and very characteristic of my client, Dale Rogers, in her general style. Dale told me she forces herself to work out to keep her weight under control, but takes pride in completing her routine "without breaking into a sweat." (By the way, she often goes to the company gym at lunch with her Eight colleague Al, who takes equal pride in "sweating like a horse" and who jokingly describes Dale as a "wimp who's afraid to be uncomfortable!")

"Dale always seems up to date with what's going on in our company, and could probably sit in the Vice President's chair," remarked Al, "but she needs to show more visible leadership. 'Passion' is not a word you'd associate with Dale. She's conservative, doesn't inspire excitement, and sometimes people need to know you can't be pushed around."

"Dale's better informed about the new technology than anyone else in headquarters," said another colleague, "and she's really good at getting people together for input. She works by consensus, and I've seen her handle some tough personnel situations very well. But I'm not sure she'd be decisive enough in her boss's job."

"I often wonder why she doesn't take a stronger position. She's a nice person, maybe a little too nice," concluded a third observer. "I've seen her say her piece if she feels strongly, but she needs a better ability to sell herself and to fight for what the department needs."

"She's easy to be around," commented her boss, "but she has a kind of 'vanilla' quality. She sometimes fades into the woodwork, though she wears pretty well over time."

A fairly laissez-faire manager, Dale had hired people to work for her over the years who were independent and competent. She had risen in the organization as it grew in its industry, with almost all her decisions made by consensus. She was kind and considerate, genuinely concerned with the common good, but in a position now where she was required to demonstrate more personal decisiveness, particularly if she was to be considered as a back-up to the Vice President.

Her vanilla quality was hard for others to clearly articulate. "I don't know how to describe it," said a fellow team member, "She's a great manager and a competent executive, but she's not feisty enough."

In her self-assessment Dale described her childhood: "I was praised for being well-behaved, so there was no need for a whole lot of rules. My parents left me pretty much to my own devices. They never came to school events. As a teenager I took up golf so I could play with my father, but he was so engrossed in his own game he never noticed how I was playing." When asked how she felt about that as a child she pondered a moment, then answered: "I just realized that's how things were and figured there was no use getting upset about it."

I'd like to contrast Dale with another Nine executive because I think it's important to not stereotype Nines as being exclusively "peacemakers." I'm a Nine, too, so I speak with some experience when I say our relationship with anger is very complex. Certainly we tend to be passive-aggressive, but that can show up in a variety of ways.

In my experience business people often mistype Nines at first because of the way the Nine's anger shows up. George, the CEO of a middle-sized corporation, for example, was first guessed to be an Eight or a One by my colleague working in the same organization. George's anger ranged from a One-like nonverbal message (disapproving frown) to a more explosive, Eight-like, prima donna quality. Let's listen in on what his subordinates had to say:

"He needs to understand the impact of his style. One employee left because of what he said and how. This person couldn't attend a meeting because of something going on with her mother and George made a crack about 'You have to ask your mother?'" (George was attempting a joke.)

"Our team members all trust and respect him and he's been very helpful in regard to my weaknesses, making suggestions and giving positive feedback, but he initially intimidated the hell out of me. He can look distracted and people think he's disapproving or angry."

"One time he literally screamed, bounced off the walls, stormed around his office. So we've worked out a deal that when he's emotional I go away and come back when he's calmed down."

"He blows up, yells, then apologizes. He never stays in a foul mood for long."

Yet we know George is a Nine:

"The power of discipline and structure, and fear, when I was growing up was with my father. There was no way to overtly question any of his ideas. I still can't stand to be bossed. I had a teacher in fourth grade who was a nun and a tyrant. One day she called me out of a classroom, took me to a dark hall, and said, 'You told some children on the playground I'm a blabbermouth.' I didn't say that, but she wanted me to admit it and I wouldn't, so she kept me in that dark hall all afternoon. There've been episodes with authorities my whole life. I don't go after them, but if they come after me I'll dig my heels in, and when that happens, my migraines go through the roof.

I generally approach people in a trusting way. Of all the varied people in my life, I've found a way to work with almost all of them. I don't like to be demanding because I feel people do the best they can do. It's very hard for me to decide what I want. I find myself responding to other peoples' demands a lot of the time. I don't think I'm a masochist, but sometimes I forget to take care of myself. Just the other day someone asked me to take over their project when I already have almost no space of my own, and I stuttered and stammered before I finally said I couldn't."

We focused on two key overlapping areas as part of George's development plan:

(1) George communicated well in a group when his purpose was clear, and used analogies people could relate to, but it was said "his main thing is talking, not listening. He's not a great extemporaneous speaker." George gained an understanding of his "epic tales" through the Enneagram, and learned to outline his main objective and 3-5 key talking points. He also began to check in with his audience periodically, because what was perfectly clear to him was not always clear to others.

(2) Underlying his difficulty focusing in groups was George's extreme distractibility: "He laughs out loud at things that are only mildly amusing." "He rubs his face, walks around the room." "He fidgets, loses interest." "He has the strongest nonverbals I've ever seen, such as shaking his head." "He leaps to his feet to answer questions directed at others." George even went to be tested for adult ADD, but was found to be in a "normal" range. However, we both thought "ADD" was a terrific metaphor to frame his distractibility (and his angry outbursts) because the research on ADD offered some concrete ideas on how to focus better. We divided these into two key areas:

• Behavioral (some of these ideas and some of those below came from Helen Palmer):

1. Say no to tasks you don't want or know you won't finish.

2. Minimize external stimuli when you need to focus on a task.

3. Start with short time frames (e.g., 15 minutes) and build to longer time frames.

4. Formulate an overall task, then break it down to segments that can be done in short time frames; make strategic use of deadlines; focus on the immediate next step vs. the final goal.

5. Give yourself timed breaks along the way.

6. Plan rewards to indulge yourself when you've accomplished parts of a task (but keep a time limit on these, as well).

7. Have several things going at once, so you can switch from timed segments with one kind of task to timed segments with another. (I know this sounds strange, but it works for Nines!)

• Emotional

1. Notice what immediately precedes your shifts of attention; stay with and discover the attached feelings.

2. Do some grief work (anger over feeling discounted, sorrow over lost years before you gained focus in your career).

3. Develop a meditation discipline to learn how to "bring your mind home" when it wanders.

4. Develop your negotiation skills to develop confidence in stating an opinion without escalating an argument.

5. Practice ways to discover and acknowledge your anger without acting out of it (you will probably find you do have an opinion you can share in a straightforward and assertive way):

1. Imagine your anger being played out until the "charge" lessens (the more outrageous, the better; e.g., rip their face off in your mind: this encourages your shadow side to show itself).

2. Use Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Therapy technique to calm down the level of emotion while you look for its "irrational" basis. Often Nines victimize themselves with their own anger instead of discovering what they want and acting on it.

3. Respond to criticism without defensiveness, particularly when you feel discounted. This will uncover how you discount yourself and help you stand up for yourself assertively.

4. Most important, observe yourself when "hooked," without judgment. The more you're able to do this, the less frequently you'll act in habitual ways and the more you'll remember yourself.

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