The Real DealJust as actors with a good
director can portray a role that's completely believable to the audience, all of
us have developed self-images to fulfill the roles expected of us as children.
Although you may not be conscious of exactly how that happened, you were
programmed as surely as if someone said, "Act this way and you will be accepted/
loved/ admired/ protected/ supported/ (add your own word)."
Furthermore, we all want to
win the Oscar, so we've learned to interact with others in ways that reinforce
the role ("Oh, I can't do that; they'll think I'm weak" or "OK, what's the
hidden agenda?") and maintain the image ("I knew it; I should never be so
open"). Our programmed roles have become deeply embedded habits from which we
respond automatically. The real deal is behind the mask, but we've been so used
to playing the part, it takes some honest self-examination to find that
authentic self. When you bring those habits to awareness, without judgment, you
begin the process of pattern-breaking.
To find the real you, the
first and most basic practice is neutral self-observation. You simply watch and
take note of what happens. If you were an experienced birdwatcher (or "birder"),
you would want to identify particular birds, to know about their habitat,
habits, plumage, and shapes. You would not be looking through binoculars and
thinking, "That hummingbird should be a different color" or "Oh no! Those
swallows aren't migrating in a perfect V." A bird is a bird; a pattern is a
pattern.
The first step in breaking
patterns is to hold full awareness in the present, notice your flow of thoughts,
and accept your experiences without attempts to control. Engage your curiosity
instead of self-criticism.
This and much more in
Out of the Box
Self-Coaching Workbook
