A "Sober
Joy"
During the course of
interviewing people about their transformation experiences, I received the following from
a Seven, who's given me permission to publish it intact:
I would define transformation as using
the knowledge one gains through the Enneagram and other spiritually meaningful reading to
grow and become more whole. That is, I tap into the parts of me that I bury. I know God
gave me the capacity to live
and love more fully. Anthony de Mello calls it "waking up" and I feel like I'm
hearing this call everywhere I turn. Knowing myself and my behaviors when I'm on
autopilot has been so helpful, for I can self-observe and understand the whys of my
behavior. If I have a clearer understanding of my compulsions, they don't have as much
power.
I am finding, though, these compulsions
are so strong and such a habit, I have to be very focused on change and develop some
discipline in my life. I have a deal with myself right now. I want to purchase Richard
Rohr's book, Discovering the Enneagram. I am not letting myself do that until
I've had a set aside time for prayer and meditation for seven consecutive days. Discipline and focus are major challenges for me. All I want to do is to keep reading,
keep learning, and keep talking. I like to fill my head with the knowledge to avoid the
pain of application. It's much easier that way. When I do take the time, I
appreciate what happens, yet it's still something I continually avoid.
An area where
'm applying this
transformation is in my relationship with my younger sister. She has a tendency to be
quite needy, dependent and unsure of herself. (She's a Two married to a very controlling
Five). I've always felt an underlying irritation with her, thinking if she just
developed some strength and self-discipline, she could get her life together. I've doled
out far more advice than she ever asked for or wanted to hear. I can't
remember ever not feeling smarter than or superior to her. She gave me all sorts of power
and man, I ran with it.
Lately, I've listened far more than I've
talked when we are on the phone. I've offered advice only when asked (which isn't
terribly often). I've expressed admiration for the strides she's made in therapy
rather than judging her and the therapist. I find her opening up with me a little more as
she feels more safe, yet she still doesn't totally trust me. I've also
recognized her compulsions so I don't feel guilty when I
have to rush her off the phone because I have a car pool
to run. I recognize that her hurt over my ending the
conversation is her issue; I don't need to feel guilty and subsequently annoyed
over it. Understanding my weaknesses makes me feel less superior about others' weaknesses.
Another area where I feel the biggest call
to change is desiring approval for me and my family. People have an
image of me in this community as being so together: in my service activities, my home,
my looks, the intelligence of my kids, etc. I'm learning that image is such a
false promise of happiness, as something always falls short, and then I'm left rushing to
fix it all so the image stays intact. It can become very tiring and stressful. I'm
left asking myself: "For what reason do I hold onto this image?" "What's its useful purpose?"
I ask and I find there is no useful purpose other than to impress others for all the wrong reasons. I'm not superior. And even more enlightening is the realization God created me and my enthusiasm for His gifts for far different reasons than to impress
the folks in my church or my community. Richard Rohr calls it a "sober
joy." A joy that embraces all of God's people, not just the attractive, smart, and
interesting people.
When I talk to someone, I try to really
listen to what they're saying. I'm called to slow down, go deeper and take time to learn
about who they are. I'm learning to see they may have something to say that's of
value before I interrupt with my wise opinions and reflections. This takes practice for
this Seven, lots of practice. I don't need to charm everyone into thinking I'm the
happening place to be, for that's not honest and it takes away their opportunity to share
who they are. Then I'm left with the knowledge that all I did was take over for my own
self-promotion.
The final example I have to share is
when I organized a project to collect money for a grove of trees near our high school to
replace ones felled by the April tornado. I loved the inception of the project. I loved
motivating the parents and students to become excited by the project. Now, I'm here with
over $1300 in checks and cash and have to write a report about the project, record the
checks and carry out the purchase of the trees. It's daunting to say the least. Today, my
goal was to write this letter, and to begin the report. I've now completed this letter
and next, I begin the report. Yet, I know, beginnings are easy. It's finishing the
darn thing that will be the true victory! This is something I've recognized for
years, and I certainly have improved according to my husband and Mom! I do believe my
husband would have considered packing his bags if I hadn't gotten that act together!
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