The Container of Soul: Mutuality and the Enneagram

Mutuality

We all want mutually satisfying relationships that nurture our potential and help us find purpose in life. Our relationships offer the greatest opportunity for personal fulfillment and growth when we listen and are listened to, know and are known. If our partners are not mutually committed to the relationship, we feel dissatisfied and resentful. When the partnership is mutual we release attempts to manipulate, share our true selves, acknowledge each other as unique and valuable individuals, and are willing to learn, grow, and change in response to the other's development -- a dynamic process where the relationship is continually recreated. We expand our self-discovery by exploring the ways we relate to one another, how routine responses may create negatively self-fulfilling patterns, and how to transcend these "routines" and create mutually developmental and self-renewing interactions. Partners come to relationship from different worldviews. Some may resist giving up control; others may fear sharing their needs. The Enneagram is a helpful tool to clarify interpersonal patterns. Understanding the nine different styles can help us recognize our special gifts and areas of growth, better understand our partners, and appreciate the potential in each for higher human capacities.

The Enneagram

Understanding your Enneagram style is a powerful tool to enhance your personal effectiveness and spiritual development. The Enneagram is even more powerful when explored in the context of relationships with others. While each of the Enneagram combinations brings special considerations to the development of mutuality, any combination will bring complementary gifts as well as the potential to exaggerate each style's down side. Here, you'll learn how to create specific actions that are mutually enhancing, whatever the combination of styles.

For example, if you're a Three interacting with an Eight you might find that both of you -- for different reasons -- are out of touch with your emotional side. It would be mutually developmental to practice and reinforce each other for active listening.

Or if you're a Two (highly relational) interacting with a Five (highly independent) you both would benefit from exploring your differences, agreeing that the Two will give the Five a little more space and the Five will accede to the Two's desire for a bit more interaction.

In our coaching work, we've seen how focusing on mutual development can accelerate personal growth and transform a relationship. We illustrate the possibilities here with Six and Nine partners.

The Six

Sixes are relationship-oriented and motivated by the need for security. At their best they're loyal, likable, caring, warm, compassionate, witty, practical, helpful, and responsible. They're energetic, with a devotion to the common good, and they attend to interdependent needs. The Six's primary fixation is fear. What under-developed Sixes personify for all of us is the fear and caution we feel when our security is invaded. Often they experienced a parental figure in childhood who was either very dominating or unpredictable, or both. Sometimes the Six interpersonal strategy arises from a situation where a parent was overly cautious and fearful and the child was overprotected. Whatever the stimulus, Sixes felt powerless as children to influence their own fate. Consequently, they've developed a radar system that leads to high empathy, sometimes to an astonishing degree (it may feel like ESP). On the down side, they tend to always check for a hidden agenda in their interactions, and their assumptions are not always correct.

When less well-developed, Sixes can either procrastinate making decisions or second-guess the decisions they have made. This is because what's "best" tends to be defined in terms of others' wishes or expectations. Sixes too often question their own ideas or even their own competence, especially if challenged. As children, they learned to communicate from a one-down position, and they tend to carry this power-under stance into adulthood, often giving power to others, particularly those in perceived authority roles or whom they believe have higher competence. So it's a sign of growth for for Sixes to learn how to be interdependent, operating from a power-with perspective, a true partnership.

Sixes have two distinct expressions of their fear. Some can be immobilized by fear and self-doubt (phobic), finding it difficult to take action on their own behalf. Other Sixes fight against internal doubt by throwing caution to the winds (counterphobic). Most Sixes challenge authority; they may decide it's honest to say whatever they feel at the moment and then worry they've somehow risked too much. For the most part, though, the Six's candid communication is a model for others who tend to be less self-disclosing or less actively involved in a relationship. Consequently, self-aware Sixes are highly relationship-oriented people who bring out the best in their partners. They work tirelessly to make things better, always hoping the relationship can survive and flourish. They're open, energetic, affectionate, loyal, and highly value collaboration and teamwork. This helps their intimates feel secure, knowing their partner will be sympathetic and without pretense.

The Nine

Nines are motivated by the need to keep peace and avoid conflict. At their best they're pleasant, peaceful, generous, patient, receptive, diplomatic, open-minded, and empathic. They nurture cooperation and are highly skilled at building consensus. They have a natural tendency to honor diversity and can get along with anyone. Unexamined Nines tend to merge with others' agendas and to forget their own. They typically remember themselves as a "good" child with a normal childhood because any efforts to rock the boat tended to be quelled; thus they satisfied their parents' expectations. Nines often forget any childhood difficulties they did experience (they're also referred to as "self-forgetting"), which makes it possible to ignore or deny the degree to which they've allowed themselves and their wishes to become invisible, even to themselves. From this history, Nines may take an implicit power-under position when conflict arises; more often they withdraw (either physically or mentally) or minimize the importance of an apparent problem. This strategy can lead to a tamping down of emotions but also helps them develop the gift of artful negotiation: they're able to see situations from many points of view and to resolve issues by seeking an integrated perspective.

In organizations, Nines usually do very well until expected to be decisive -- which is difficult because they truly do see all sides of an issue, and because (unconsciously) they're unaccustomed to having their opinions valued. They typically seek consensus but can become quite stubborn about the opinions they do hold. In a personal relationship, Nines may seem difficult because they find it easier to focus on what they don't want. They may back off from conflict, unable to take a stand, except indirectly. The partner may long to be met half-way, to talk openly about difficulties, instead of meeting with obstinacy or passive-aggression. If Nines go along with the partner's interests, even this can wear thin over time, as the partners become tired of always planning their time together. What under-developed Nines personify for all of us is our universal fear of and resistance to change: change requires confronting what the present situation lacks. Their primary fixation is inertia -- a deep emotional fatigue sets in when unaware Nines are forced to deal with work overload or emotional stress. They're out of touch with their own wishes so find it difficult to act on their own priorities.

Well-developed Nines are serene and centered individuals who are a "safe harbor" for intimates. They're good listeners who accept partners as they are and help them see things from a broader perspective. Having worked through their avoidance of conflict, they deal with problems in a constructive fashion while retaining their gift of honoring diversity and differences. In this respect they're the epitome of cooperation and consensus.

How Nines See Sixes

Relationships with Sixes can be very positive for Nines. Sixes are quite aware of their own boundaries, so they tend not to be a threat to the Nine's fear of losing a sense of self. In spite of Nines' defensiveness and criticisms when they feel discounted, they want very much to connect with others and be appreciated for their ideas. Sixes, with their personal radar, can be very sensitive to a Nine's needs. When this pair relates with mutuality, Nines become more known to themselves because of Sixes' honesty. Sixes typically balance Nines' more laid-back style with a great deal of energy. They're usually more spontaneous and open with their feelings than Nines, so the Nine is less likely to withdraw from potential conflict. This is a partnership where fighting can be fun. In general, the Six's activeness stimulates action in the Nine. The Nine often admires the Six's willingness to "name" things, to state the obvious when others are unwilling to risk confrontation. Nines can become unhappy with surrounding circumstances or people in their environment and not know how to express this directly, whereas Sixes are more likely to express their feelings. In fact, the Six's tendency towards self-disclosure is a wonderful model for the Nine. This is particularly true when the two have a conflict: the Nine can learn from the Six's active willingness to take some risks and resolve their differences.

How Sixes See Nines

Sixes seek the serenity and calm of Nines; when they learn to be more centered and self-referencing, they reduce self-questioning and promote peacefulness. So the Six/Nine partnership will feel emotionally complementary. Nines will reflect thoroughly on an issue, reviewing many perspectives before acting (if at all); Sixes are more likely to act without a great deal of reflection. Merging their strengths can lead to a partnership characterized by reflective action. Out of their power-under perspective, Sixes are on the alert for a "take-over," and tend to feel safe with Nines, who are not overtly interested in holding power. Because Nines are calm and reassuring, they provide a model for living with more ease and tend to balance the Six's emotional intensity. Seeing the Nine as a "safe harbor," Sixes trust that they're liked and allow their deeper selves to show. This can strengthen their belief in themselves and help them be their best selves, to dream bigger dreams. When things are going well, Nines are generous with their praise of the Six's good qualities and contributions, which makes the Six less likely to look for a hidden agenda and less defensive about discussing areas for improvement or greater self-awareness. Also, Nines can help Sixes to be less challenging or doubting of others, by offering alternative ways to view a situation.

Problem Areas

On the down side, the Nine's general tamping down of emotions is in contrast to the Six's emotional presence. The Six can reach a height of emotion that seems disproportionate to the Nine. The Nine's withdrawal from difficulty often shows up in emotional apathy, physical fatigue, and/or illnesses such as chronic neck pain. Thus in the Nine's search for stability (however dysfunctional), the Six's response to the ever-changing present may feel like emotional whiplash. In fact, the Six is stating where s/he is for the moment, but the Nine may take that to be the Six's total reality and find it difficult to stay energized and engaged to match the Six's current state. Also, the very activeness that draws the Nine to the Six may cause difficulty in the Six/Nine partnership. The Six (who may seem constantly in motion over some perceived miscarriage of justice) may push the Nine to become more active; this can feel like bossiness, and the Nine may express resentment or freeze in a state of inertia and stubbornness. From the perspective of the Six, the Nine will seem too slow and deliberate. The Six may want to engage in the moment, and is likely to interpret the Nine's relative lack of response as disinterest. In trying to work through disagreements the Six may be disappointed in the Nine's tendency to focus on the bright side, or worse -- to remain silent, or even to withdraw. Over time, the Nine's accommodating quality may give way to a desire to "fix" the Six. This could well show up as criticizing the Six for being so tenacious and/or blaming others.

Mutual Development

Regardless of the combination of styles, the first steps to create mutuality are to value each person's gifts, be sensitive to areas in need of growth, and approach the relationship in ways that are mutually enhancing and beneficial. In other words, we seek to consciously frame each person's potential development in terms of mutuality. In conjunction with Enneagram styles, this would include discussing the ways each complements the other, as well as the potential dangers of mutual blind spots. The examples below for the Six/Nine partnership are only some of many possible ideas for mutually developmental actions. You can continue this exercise with more of your own:

Although acted out in different ways, both Sixes and Nines have problems with decision-making. Nines may procrastinate while they gather others' opinions and/or seek to build consensus because they have difficulty choosing without a model; Sixes may procrastinate while they gather more data to develop certainty about the "right" choice and/or worry about how others will judge their decision. Both may change their minds -- Nines because they don't want to be pinned down, Sixes because they begin to doubt themselves. Both, however, rely too much on others' opinions. This is a development area where similarity of focus can be beneficial to both. It's often easier to see someone else's behavior initially, so they could agree to give each other feedback about decision-making behavior and to discuss and look for blind spots in their rationale for delaying decisions. Or they might agree to meet once a week to review decisions and compare notes, each learning from the other.

Similarity of focus can also be beneficial in the way both communicate their ideas. Nines are known for their epic tales; it's sometimes difficult to get a simple answer from them as they struggle to bring their complex awareness of infinite alternatives down to a central theme. Sixes can feel charged with so many things they want to say, the listener's left trying to figure out their message. For both it's useful to ask before speaking, "What's my key theme? What are my main points? Who is my audience? What do I want them to understand?" Efforts to improve in this area can be mutually developmental by (1) listening to each other and summarizing what appear to be relevant points and/or (2) preparing and rehearsing with each other to confirm whether or not their message is clear. In either case their heightened awareness will help both develop more clarity.

Sixes tend to look for hidden agendas -- sometimes unnecessarily. Nines tend to look on the bright side -- to a fault. It would be mutually developmental in a complementary way if each would consciously seek the other to fill in the flip side and create a more balanced perspective.

According to Enneagram theory, both Sixes and Nines have a connection to the achievement-oriented Three. They can support each others' development by encouraging the up side of their Three connection, stimulating each other to action, accomplishments, and success. For example, they could set deadlines for a mutually valued project and hold themselves and each other accountable to meet specific milestones.

Nines need to assert themselves more, speak up for themselves, confront others directly. Sixes do this more readily. Together, they can observe and discuss how to model for and learn from each other:

The Nine can openly appreciate and imitate the Six's courageous action by being more assertive, while simultaneously helping the Six know when to draw the line between challenging someone and suggesting a solution.

The Six can acknowledge and imitate the Nine's patience and graciousness in sometimes giving others the benefit of the doubt, while simultaneously helping the Nine distinguish between self-effacement and diplomatic problem-solving.

Sixes will recognize when they're upset. Nines have a tendency to "merge" with the partner, and may find their own feelings emerging in response to a problem the Six is experiencing:

In response to these emerging feelings, Nines may withdraw into their own feeling state and/or want to talk about their own feelings and similar experiences, leaving the Six feeling stranded. The Nine may also take on the Six's problem, playing the role of intermediary in order to seek harmony or stability. It's mutually developmental if the Nine's own feelings are kept separate and the Nine acts as a sounding board for the Six, then encourages the Six to decide what to do (it's important for Sixes to experience their own potency).

Subsequently they could focus on discovering and dealing separately with the Nine's own feelings ("Why did I react so strongly? What must I be feeling deep inside?"). At this point, the Six could be the sounding board for the Nine.

Two of the books referenced below are particularly useful to explore Enneagram dynamics for various partnership combinations:

Helen Palmer notes in The Enneagram in Love and Work that the exploration of combinations is not useful as a screening device for best matches. Any combination has high potential if both partners are psychologically mature. Almost half of Palmer's book is devoted to "The Directory of Relationships," depicting Enneagram pairings of couples (described as peers) and co-workers (described as manager-employee interactions). She suggests actions that take existing Enneagram characteristics into account (for the Six/Nine combination: "...important for each to define personal goals rather than expect the other to lead"), but her focus here is not on development.

In Are You My Type, Am I Yours? Baron and Wagele provide a short list of what each likes and has trouble with for each of the others. While certain Enneagram styles may get along better than other combinations, they also emphasize that's not nearly as important as mutual respect and commitment to work on problems. They focus on how existing Enneagram dynamics affect relationships with other styles ("I like Nines because they ... listen to me when I unload my fears"; "I like Sixes because they ... appreciate my calmness").

In addition to the insights you might gain from reading books like the two above, we encourage you to use the principles of mutuality to search for mutually enhancing interactions that simultaneously develop yourself, the other person, and the relationship. We hope these examples stimulate your thinking about other mutually developmental actions for the Six/Nine interaction.

You can develop or improve all of your relationships, using this model of how Nines and Sixes can learn and grow through relationship. Keep in mind that it's possible to limit ourselves to "getting along," to maintaining the status quo. Even worse, we've seen people who use the descriptions to categorize their partners and create negative expectations that can become self-fulfilling. Mutuality is a reflection of the shared belief that both people in a relationship can grow, and reflected in this quote from Thomas Moore:

The soul can reach out and make its connections through and in spite of differences of politics, opinions, convictions, and beliefs. Friendship is the container of soul, not the process of weaving compatible companionships ... The soul requires many varieties of vessels and many kinds of spaces in order to work day by day with the raw material life serves up. Friendship is one of the most effective and precious of those containers ... Friends interested in each other at the soul level do not simply look at each other's lives and listen to each other's intentions and explanations. They look together at this third thing that is the soul, and in that mutual gaze they find and sustain their friendship.

References

"In the Heart of the Relationship: Developing a Work Team with the Enneagram," Mary R. Bast, Ph.D., Enneagram Educator, Summer, 1995, Volume VI, #4.

Are You My Type, Am I Yours? Relationships Made Easy Through the Enneagram, Renee Baron and Elizabeth Wagele, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995.

The Enneagram Relationship Workbook, Margaret Frings Keyes, Molysdatur Publications, 1992.

The Enneagram in Love & Work: Understanding Your Intimate & Business Relationships, Helen Palmer, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995.

Creating New Relationships: A Guide to Mutuality, Elaine S. Stenger, Ph.D., Riverside Books, 1995.