A Perfect
Match
One of the ways I mentor
coaches is showing how to listen for Enneagram style in people's
language and how to match them for greater rapport. This is
especially important early in the relationship, when you want to
meet people where they are, not where they will be when not
boxed in by their Enneagram style.
My apocryphal
story is about a client who told me on the phone he wanted me to
teach people how to stand up to him. I thought
Eight
but didn't pour it in concrete until he met me at the
airport for a day of interviews with his staff. We’d been in his
truck for about three minutes when he said, "After you talk to
my people, just lay it on me. I don't want you giving me any
bullshit." So at the end of the day, as he was driving me back
to the airport and asked how bad it was, I said, "People shrivel
up like raisins in your presence."
I would NEVER
have spoken to another Enneagram style that way, not a
One, for example, with
whom a coach needs to be thoughtful and descriptive in giving
feedback. But the Eight loved it. He knew from that one comment
that I had a sense of humor, could stand up to him without
attack, would be blunt and straight and not wishy-washy.
The Enneagram
is a splendid tool for making good guesses that provide quick
access to someone’s worldview (and – not incidentally – provide
the level of rapport that encourages them to hire you). I
address developing rapport in the last chapter of
Out of the Box: Coaching with
the Enneagram; and there’s more in my
Out of the Box Coaching
Field Guide. The highlights that follow draw from what you
can hear, and should be helpful whether you coach in person or
by phone:
-
From
Ones you’ll hear evidence of hard work, black and white
language (right/wrong, good/bad), self-criticism. They may
sound over-controlled and, as you develop trust, will often
describe how their comments have hurt others. Heard from
Ones: I know
I'm right, why should I have to compromise? I’m my own worst
critic. My whole career, I've been brought in to fix things.
You’ll match
Ones when you’re prompt and considerate, follow the rules,
use humor, give very descriptive feedback and avoid labels,
latch onto and encourage their ideals.
-
Twos will use
“helpful” words and relationship language with fairly high
decibels of emotion and vivid descriptions, and an excellent
understanding of people, especially if healthy. They’ll show
a focus on others’ needs, including yours. Heard from Twos:
I think it's
important to always focus on what we need to do to serve
others. Was that helpful? Of all the people the CEO could
have called, he called me!
You’ll match Twos when
you’re personal and emotionally present, genuinely
appreciative, and avoid intellectualizing, especially early
in the relationship.
-
You’ll hear Threes
talk about what they’ve accomplished in results-oriented
language: checking off to-do lists, talking about “success.”
They may also use sports metaphors, “game” words,
competitive language, self-promotion, with less attention to
team work unless very healthy. Their speech will be
fast-paced and they may show impatience with pauses. Heard
from Threes:
I like seeing success breed upon success. I have to be the
lead dog in the pack. I have a shelf full of trophies.
You’ll match
Threes when you’re prepared, stress action and results, move
the meeting along fairly briskly, and show approval.
-
Fours will
emphasize their difference from others, either feeling out
of it or frustrated that others are so stuck in the status
quo. You’ll hear innovative ideas, emotionality, and some
holding on to old history. Heard from Fours:
People call me because
they know I’ll come at things from a different angle. I seem
to feel things more deeply than others. I’ve always felt
like an outsider.
You’ll match Fours when
you pay attention to process, ask how they feel, use symbols
and metaphors, honor their unique way of seeing things.
-
With
Fives there will be
a desire to understand, admiration for insights,
intellectual jousting, a somewhat formal style, less
emotional content, a quiet pace with pauses, words like
“curious,” “interesting,” “thought-provoking.” They may
expound at length on a topic of expertise and/or engage in
debate. Heard from Fives:
I have a really deep
knowledge of this industry. I think meetings are a waste of
time. I’d like to read every book that was ever written.
You’ll match
Fives when you prepare them in advance with relevant data,
bolster their knowledge, ask what they think, give them time
to mull things over.
-
Sixes will use
group-oriented language, search for hidden agendas, focus on
what could go wrong, and criticize higher ups. With trust,
they’ll admit to self-doubt and/or fear. Heard from Sixes:
I’ve been
loyal to this organization for 25 years. I don’t think we
have very competent management. I wish we could work better
as a team.
You’ll match Sixes when you’re open and concrete, justify
their concerns instead of reassuring them, and emphasize
your role as partner, not authority.
-
Sevens will be
charming, funny, and upbeat, tell stories and anecdotes,
keep an energetic pace, and show a lack of attention to
and/or interest in details. Heard from Sevens:
I always see the bright
side of things. If you understand a few basic principles,
you can run just about anything. I’m always the one to
figure out what we’ll do for fun.
You’ll match Sevens
when you’re playful, inventive, animated, ask questions to
get them to talk, and sign onto their vision.
-
The
language and manner of Eights will be blunt, direct (what
you see is what you get), and often loud, with evidence of
taking charge and emphasis on imperatives. Heard from
Eights: I’ve
always been responsible. I have a hard time asking for help
– I’ll just charge ahead and do it myself. I can’t think of
a time when I was afraid.
You’ll match Eights
when you’re succinct, say what you mean, show respect but
hold boundaries, help them feel they’re in charge.
-
Their quiet voices and laid-back style identify
Nines, who
will hold a variety of viewpoints, wander in conversation,
and rarely offer strongly stated positions. Heard from
Nines: I’m
pretty easy-going. My career just kind of fell together. I
try to pick the right moment to speak up in meetings.
You’ll match Nines
when you collaborate, confirm their value, help them focus,
offer alternatives, clarify possibilities, find the no
behind the yes, summarize and follow up.
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