Loved to Death
I received
this e-mail from a subscriber who's a
Four:
Today I
decided to pursue a divorce from my too-often-angry “One”
husband. He rarely shows this angry side to anyone else. Helen
Palmer seems to suggest that Ones are usually better off with
other Ones. I couldn’t agree more – BUT we have a 9-year-old
child. How can I relate better with my One husband whether or
not the divorce goes through???
It isn't my
understanding from
The Enneagram
in Love & Work
that
Ones are better off
with Ones. Palmer does suggest that in a One/One pair, “each
understands that being critical acknowledges your investment in
the relationship. When they fight it’s a slow buildup, short
explosive tussle, long silent standout, then gradual
re-engagement.”
Palmer also
seems to press harder on the One with Four partnership, a
“volatile relationship that embodies the potential for deep
self-understanding” but one in which a cycle “can develop where
One's criticism reinforces Four's lack of worth.” At worst,
“they share dissatisfaction with life, Four because something is
missing, One because it’s flawed.”
But any
combination of Enneagram styles can work well or lead to
problems, depending on the partners' level of emotional health
and self-awareness. With the One and Four, there are indeed some
shadow aspects for each in the other. (Palmer – “when Fours act
out ‘improper’ emotions, Ones recoil from seeing their own
Shadow in action. Four's ‘emotional exhibitionism’ can seem
self-indulgent and repellent to One.”)
In addition
to acknowledging your own part in interaction dynamics, it’s
helpful to consider what makes each style in a partnership tick.
I've found Ones to be extremely sensitive to criticism, so I
suggested that this Four stay away from "fixing" her One husband
or the relationship and focus on the possibilities (which will
use her strength and draw out his Seven connection).
Similarly, if
the Four asks "What if...?" instead of disagreeing with the One,
she will invite problem solving vs. hardening his position.
Finally, if the Four admits her faults/mistakes first, the One
will appreciate it, and that might open up a deeper
conversation.
If deeply
entranced, though, Ones simply will not admit fault themselves.
If you can reframe their criticism as a possibility, you might
find them easier to get along with. It works sometimes to
negotiate "rules" you're both willing to live by, and then stick
to them.
Having said
that, I’ll admit I was once greatly infatuated with a poet
because of the quality and tenderness of his poems (when I first
read his work, I thought he must be a Four!). But when I spent
some time with him, I discovered he's a One.
"I thought
you said you knew how to cook," he instructed me. "You don't
scrape from a cutting board with the sharp edge of the knife!
You turn the knife and use the blunt edge." I had to meditate
every morning to stay at all centered. In spite of being my most
mindful self, we had two big arguments – when my defenses were
too quick and strong for me to catch myself. I could see his
tender heart, his loneliness, his wanting to get things "right,"
and yet...
