Growing
Pains
(Interview with an
Enneagram Three)
Very few real-life stories have
been written from an Enneagram perspective about second-order
change, a radical shift in worldview. So I've interviewed
people to illustrate in everyday language, "Here's something
I've become aware of, here's how I'm different, and here's what
I struggle with every day." To start, why don't you tell me what
the word "transformation" means to you.
I see transformation as growing, becoming more
healthy. One of my biggest growth periods came in my early
thirties when I was diagnosed with a hole in my heart and had to
have open-heart surgery. The recovery period was painful and
long. I had some complications from it and was sick for quite a
while. Coming out of that experience got me to take a look at my
life, at myself. At the same time I was in relationship with a
guy I almost married, who broke off what I thought was an
engagement. It wasn't formalized but we'd bought a ring. I was
very emotionally vulnerable at that time, and he was a
cardiologist, so he understood what was going on. It was really
interesting because I was vulnerable and meek and during that
time became much more submissive then I normally am. I sort of
melted into his expectations and what he wanted, and was
really not being myself. It wasn't until I began healing,
physically and emotionally, that I started to experience the relationship and the surgery as a huge
transformation.
Had
you known you had a hole in your heart, or was that a
new discovery?
It was a totally new discovery. I was 31 years
old when my OB detected a heart murmur and had me checked. That's how I found out.
That was quite a wake-up call.
It was. Yeah. It
was a catalyst for me to really be thankful for what I have in
my life. To be thankful for my health. To be thankful for my
family, for the importance of family and
friendships. To put things into perspective for what they really
are. To not get so bent out of shape about so many things that were insignificant. And also it was a catalyst
to get me into a week-long Life Success seminar. That was a huge
growing experience and this all took place within the timeframe
of about a year.
Before, you might have been
bent out of shape over something insignificant. Could you give
me an example?
It could be anything. Getting upset because
things weren't going right at work, with a boss, taking things
personally, making big deals out of things like that. This
experience got me to be more inner directed, not caring so much
what other people think.
What other examples come to mind
of significant changes in your life?
Another big change for me was
getting laid off from a prestigious, high-paying job in
sales. It was a fun job, very cyclical business. I had been
doing it for four years when I was laid off. That was very hard
for me but good in that it was also when my husband and I became
engaged. He moved here and I took the summer off and didn't work
for three months outside the home. That was a big growing
process for me, letting go of that need to drive, drive, drive
and find a job again right away. I grew a beautiful vegetable
garden in the back and it was great! But it was a struggle for
me. It was difficult to let go. I'd always been a hard-driving career person and it brought up some issues for me
with a new relationship, got me
thinking about needing affirmation, of wanting him to
come home at a reasonable hour because I was at home all day. He
was working in a new job and some of these issues started coming
up.
So you were able to let go some
of your career drive, but at the same time that allowed some
emotions to come up that might not have otherwise come up,
getting to know some things that had been unconscious. When
you got the notice that you'd been laid off, what did that feel
like to you?
Helpless.
You were
surprised.
Very surprised!
You'd
been a high producer.
A very high producer, in the top 5% every
year. I've always been a very high producer in every job I've
had; always number 1 or number 2. So I was shocked even though
they laid off five positions like mine across the
company. Feelings of shock, of financial worry, and probably
some ego associated with getting laid off. Feeling out of
control, insecure about the loss of the income, even though I
had more money saved than I could ever need. And that's
another good point. That whole transition helped me not be so
financially concerned. I'm financially astute and still
concerned about saving, and I manage all the finances and
investments and bills, but that experience helped me let some of
that go. You don't need as money as you think you do to live.
You've used the term "letting
go." I'm curious to know what that translates to for you,
concretely. While you were at home working in your garden, for
example, what did you "let go" into?
I think I was more creative, tapping more into my
creative side. I did the gardening and some art work, painting,
and home-made gifts, making hand-painted napkins and things like
that. That was really a good feeling for me because I do have
that side, and when you're busying yourself with career it's
hard to find time for it.
To just be with yourself
and appreciate yourself. Other transforming experiences?
Having my son was a big change because it took
away this whole drive, this need to task, task, task all the
time. It seems I'm knocking that down a notch, level by level.
Before I got married, I was very social, having people over for
dinner, going out, doing things, traveling. And you can't do
that very easily when you have a small child, without disrupting
his schedule. It's interesting that it wasn't that difficult for
me to slow my life down after him. I get pressure from friends
who say, "I never see you anymore," and I've had to make a
conscious effort to take a look at how many people I have in my
life that I can really be close to and give time to. It felt
kind of selfish in a way, to me, but I felt very set that my
family is my priority and my child is my priority. It's
stressful sometimes because I'm still filtering people out of my
life. And you get pressure over that, someone calling and
saying, "We never go out."
So again
you became introspective, this time asking, "What's
important to me? What do I value? And how can I set
priorities?"
It's
hard sometimes, too. Even with my closest friend, I spend more time with her than
anyone else, but we don't spend nearly as much time together as
we used to. It's been a transition for her, too, that we had to
talk about. But I feel strongly it was the right thing.
It's taken my life down another notch.
So it
wasn't that difficult to slow your life down for your son; the
hardest part has been to communicate that to other people?
But still it's been a conscious effort. It hasn't
been natural. I've had to think about my week and say, "What am
I going to do? No I'd better not do this. I've overextended my
schedule and I'd better X that off my schedule." I've had to do
some work with it. Today
I took my son in to the office while I was doing several
errands, and I'm really in tune with, "This is not good for
him." He's very happy at home where he can crawl around, go and
take his nap. So I've started to say "No" more often: "No I
can't come in for Friday morning meetings. I'll conference them
if you want me to, but I'm not going to bring in my son, who's a
toddler, when I'm supposed to have these days off."
And
before you might have…just operated on automatic?
Right. I would just do whatever was needed, what
other people demanded.
How
about in your relationship with your husband?
I think there's been a transformation in our
relationship in the last couple of months. And I'm not sure what
it all relates to, but we went through a rough period after the
baby was born, like I guess most couples do. Maybe it shook up
some things that we're both working on now. The main
transformation from my perspective is that we're letting go of
more issues, not taking on things that really don't matter so
much, a little more careful of the battles we take on with each
other. For me the biggest change with my husband in the last two
months has been that I'm really trying to love and believe in
who I am and what I am, and not take him so personally. I can
give you a specific example, something that would have been a
hot issue with me before. We went to a wedding, and someone said
to me, "You've had a baby, and you look really good, like you've
lost a lot of weight!" And he said, "Well, you don't know the
whole story." It still struck a chord with me when he said that,
because I of course would have liked for him to say, "Doesn't
she look great?" because I
love those kind of compliments, especially from him in front of
other people. That type of thing might have really, really
gotten to me and I might have really gotten upset about it. It
did jar me a little bit, but what I
did instead was not put so much energy into it , have fun, have a nice
evening. And I really did
have a great time, with him! It's been a couple of weeks, and I
might bring it up to him, might say, "You
know, I want to tell you something that happened at the
wedding. I think at one point I might have made a big deal out
of it, and I want you to know I didn't, but it did kind of
bother me." I've been doing a lot less tamping down of my
feelings. The way I'm articulating my feelings
and holding my ground has been much less emotional, more
courteous, whereas before it was more emotional,
angry, bursting out with things that were accusatory and
offensive. I think I'm becoming a lot better at not
bursting out right away and giving it some time.
Staying
with it, figuring out what's going on?
Yeah, and sometimes that's enough. If it's a
really important issue I will say something. What's come to me in the
last month or so is that it's better for me. It's not so
much that I'm doing it to make a connection with him. I'm
doing it because it's the right thing to do for me and not so
much to get something from him. It feels considerate of
the other person, but yet also saying something that's important
to me. That I have a right to feel these things and I have a
right to say them, and it's O.K. to say them, but let's say them
in a way that's respectful. And that feels very good to me.
During
all this process, and especially the last few years where you've
had some major shifts, what resistances were you aware
of? When your own defenses show up, what do they look like?
When people come at me in an aggressive way, if
it's my husband or somebody at work, I get defensive and my
tendency is to want to come back in an aggressive way. And I've
gotten better at not lashing back so much, and I've tried to be
aware that, "O.K., this person is aggressive and upset for a
reason. There's something going on with them. It's not about
me." It happened this morning with my boss. I wanted her to
look at a couple of things I'd brought in, and she was very
short with me, probably more so than she ever has been. I took
it a little bit personally, but I left her office and let it
go. She did say, while I was on the way out, "I've got some real
issues right now to deal with." I still want the business done,
but I have to respect the fact that she has some issues to deal
with. I could go into this whole big deal like I might have done
years ago, and say, "Put your issues
aside! This is $200,000 worth of business we need to act on
right now. I need the internal support to get this done! I
brought in the business, I'm doing my job, it's your job to…"
This would have been my old self talking.
Before,
it sounds as if your response was in service of meeting the
goals, as opposed to becoming more aware of what's going on with
you and with other people.
Yes.
And it's still not easy for me because of my impatience.
Your
first reaction is your old one, but you don't act on it; that's
what's changed.
Correct. And I don't get so stressed out about
it. I used to lose sleep over stuff like that, but I seldom lose
sleep over my job anymore, which is huge for me.
And the
losing sleep, could you say more about that?
After I was laid off I worked for a year for this
family-owned business that was completely horrible
internally. It was not a good mix with me, having worked in big companies that had their issues, too, but they were
at least fairly fine-tuned internally, they had goals.
I could see the problems in this company as clear as day, and it
was horrible. I was in sales and marketing and was supposed to
bring in new clients and I would just toss and turn and spend so
much energy thinking, "How am I going to change this place? How
am I going to bring in new clients and get more business when
the internal structure is clearly not set up to handle it? All
I'm going to be doing is bringing in new business and losing
it!" It was clear to me what needed to be done, and I
could get the top people in the company to admit to it, but they
wouldn't execute. It was very frustrating. I spent time
internally trying to fix it myself, getting much more outside my
job description than I was supposed to be doing, and caring more
about getting it done right than the goddamned owners!!!
It
became an obsession.
Huge! And I was like that in all of my jobs, but
that was the job that started transforming me into realizing,
"It's just a job!"
And something shifted permanently. I'm still conscientious about a lot of stuff,
probably more than I should be, but still there's a marked
improvement. And I think that helped my husband, because he
tends to get caught up, too, with his job. He saw me when I was
just so stressed out all the time with my career and he saw the
shift in me, which I think reminded him to try to do that.
If you
think of your wish for yourself now, at this point in life, in
terms of the changes you've described, it would certainly be to
be more inner-directed, to have more love and belief in who and
what you are, to slow down, to appreciate every day whatever
you're doing, to live out your commitment to your family. With
that vision for yourself that's already manifesting, what's
helped and what's hindered?
I meet with a group of women regularly, and that
helps a lot. When
we started out it was an Inner Child group. One of the women
picked up a book called Studying the Inner Child, going
back to your childhood, doing exercises, interviewing your
parents, then sharing what you find with each other and telling
how it relates to you today. After we finished that book the
group evolved into teaching each other things we think are
important. The first one was the Enneagram. Then I had my
neighbor who had breast cancer and a mastectomy come in and talk
about what she had gone through and how she had been transformed
because of this. Then one person suggested that everybody bring
a book they're reading and highlight some of the key things
they're learning. Occasionally we bring in a guest, someone we
know who wants to experience what we're doing. The
Unity church helps, too. The lessons are really good, very
applicable to everyday life. They have a saying each week and I
have a couple of them on my refrigerator. They're into taking
responsibility for your own life, not being victims. They have a
guided meditation before the sermon or message for the
day and it's a prelude to get you thinking. I try to do
a little of that introspection every day, usually when my son is
napping, to say, "Screw the house for a half hour, screw
whatever else I have on my huge long list to do. I'm going to
take this time right now, uninterrupted, and lie down for twenty
minutes and just relax." And I do a lot of reading. I'm reading
a book called In The Meantime by a spiritual woman who's on Oprah a lot. I'm
always reading one or two books at a time, and always with
that flavor. I liked The Celestine Prophecy. I usually
read at night for about twenty minutes before I go to sleep, or
if I'm going somewhere on a plane. And then I've been reading a
lot of kids' books, on the child's self-esteem and stuff like
that.
Any
other external or internal resources that have helped you in
your process of growth?
A lot of it is my friendships with a few people,
a few women who have a lot of depth, who are on the same track. We try to be very nonjudgmental with each other. We have fun,
and we're very supportive of each other. I
did stay involved with Life Success seminars for awhile. I
haven't done as much of that lately but they have a celebration
once a month after the seminar, and occasionally I'll go to
those to bring back the whole experience, to get in touch with some of the pain I had in my childhood
with my parents, to share that with people who care. Ultimately
the Life Success seminar led to my forgiving my parents for some things I was
holding onto. Taking responsibility for my own life was a key
thing I learned, too. Stop blaming other people. And
that's where I met the women in my group. In addition to our
regular discussions, once a year we take a trip to Hocking
Hills. It's so pretty, and we bring something to share. We have
fun, too, go hiking. So the seminar triggered a lot.
You've
had a couple of big changes you didn't seek, but you also do more
seeking.
That's true. I do a lot of seeking. I get
information about seminars and one-day workshops. I don't go to
all of them but I'm always interested in that sort of thing.
Some I do with my husband, some with friends.
In what way do
you think of the process of transformation? Does it
have a shape or is there some concept associated with it for
you?
I think transformation has stages. I see it as level by
level, taking things to the next level of growth. It seems that
when you have some type of catastrophe or stress in your life,
or a new variable, it jars new areas that you need to grow in. It
never stops, and most of the time the levels go up, but
sometimes you have to go through a valley to get up there.
Overall, in my life there are some ups and downs but I keep
going up. If I were to draw it, it would be somewhat like a
funnel getting wider as it goes up. Another thought was just
triggered, about getting myself to accept pain and not resisting
it so much. It seems like I spent a lot of my life resisting
pain, but it's part of life and that's how I'm trying to look at
it. I haven't
been hit with a bomb yet, but I've been hit with some shrapnel
from time to time. I'm trying to work with that, and it feels
really good. Just being aware that pain is human, it's a normal
part of life, it's O.K. and I'm going to live through it.
So, it's
come up for you very recently, and you're at the beginning of
the path for that particular issue. And you may be at different
places with different things. Is there anything else you want to
say to other Threes? To someone younger, or less experienced?
This is just so interesting. I look at my boss,
who's clearly a Three. She's thirty years old. She does a
fantastic job running the organization. She reminds me of how I
was times ten, and that's phenomenal to me because I was
extremely efficient. She can multi-task at such a high level of
efficiency it just blows my mind, but she is so impatient
with people, so impatient. I know what that's like because I can
get caught up into getting impatient with everything around me,
other drivers, people at a store, people on the phone. I think
that is a key problem with Threes. You have to get a grip on
that because otherwise you're spinning your wheels your whole
life, constantly being impatient with people, being stressed out
because things aren't going as quickly as you want them
to go, and probably not as quickly as you could make them
go if the whole world was filled with people like you. But the
reality is that there aren't only Threes out there who are going
to always be efficient and results-oriented, and if there were
only Threes I'm sure that would carry its own set of
issues! When I start getting that impatient feeling I try
to realize, "Don't sweat this so much. Don't expect so much from
people. Most people aren't going to be as results-oriented as
you are. Most people aren't going to think about carrying
everything up that's on the stairs when they go up, and putting
it away like you do! And that's O.K."
