Forgive
Yourself Seventy Times Seven
"She’s done exactly what I asked her to do and she's gotten results,"
said Paul Turow, the CEO of Jean Thurman's company, "so if anything she’s
gotten support from me. But on the human side of it, she can’t succeed if she
doesn’t change." Paul and the President of the company, Mark Kelly, had
called me in to work with Jean because her subordinates were close to mutiny. She'd been
hired to repair the lack of quality standards in her division, but after the recent
planning retreat with her team, one of them complained to Paul, "She basically
told us everything we'd done for six years was a pile of shit!" Paul had his
own take. "I told Jean you don't tell a couple showing off their first
baby that the child is ugly!"
"Jean
commands respect because of her knowledge base and because she’s very intelligent,"
offered Mark. "She’s broken records pretty much everywhere she’s
been and she was the right choice for this job at this time. Someone less aggressive might
not have done what needed to be done. She walked into a job where well meaning people had
scratched their heads for years and she has my respect—she had a formidable task and
timetable, and enormous pressure to show results. I’d give her high marks for
innovativeness—the amount of improvement she’s already brought about is almost
unheard of in our industry. But she needs to be careful not to shoot people out of the
water."
"She's
not an ogre," Paul clarified. "She has a lot of personality that comes
through and a high degree of integrity. She’s extremely intelligent, and if you get
in a discussion where she doesn’t know something, within 2-3 days she’ll have
learned about it. But at the same time she takes a really strong, fixed position of
what’s right and wrong." When I asked Paul and Mark what their expectations
were for my work with Jean, Mark said, "I don’t want her to roll over just to
get people to like her, and I want her to continue having strong systems and high
expectations for results." Paul nodded while Mark was speaking, then
added,
"There has to be more respect in the process. Right now she has a disconnect in
how to bridge that gap. We've had people threatening to quit we can't afford
to lose."
Mark
and Paul both predicted I'd not find much support for Jean among her peers.
"She made some monumental changes without consultation," commented Paul.
"She has to be the best and gauges everyone else by her own values," he
continued. "Yeah," Mark sighed. "She wants to do the right thing
but it comes off as inflexible, intolerant. She’ll say, 'That’s the way it is'
and it’s very hard for her to admit she’s wrong. She needs to see there’s more than one explanation for things and to be more of a team player."
Her
peers did agree Jean was getting outstanding results. Her Enneagram
One style was also becoming quite clear.
"When Jean does a project, it's perfect," summarized one of her fellow Vice
Presidents. "She's able to analyze situations and devise solutions which are
usually correct. Unfortunately she wants you to know she's right." They also
recognized the kind of creativity I often see in my One clients (their
Four connection): "She's the brightest
person in our group, always trying to think of a new wrinkle on things."
Her
Seven connection showed up in their descriptions
of her sense of humor, "a caustic, dry wit." That mode of communication,
however, could descend into sarcasm, even condescension. "I've seen her becoming
more helpful, more flexible and positive over the past few months," offered the
other Vice President, "but just the other day she more or less told me, 'This will
never work and you're stupid for suggesting it!'" These two team-mates, who'd
been around the organization longer than Jean, had been unsuccessful at getting her to
acknowledge the effects of her style: "She's incredibly sensitive to criticism."
"I've tried any number of times to help her see the effect she's having on people,
but it's hard to get through to her."
In
spite of the mutiny threats of some subordinates, there were those who appreciated the
standards Jean had set and who felt proud of what they'd accomplished in the months
prior to my interviews with them. They saw two sides of the coin in her style. For
example, one of her highest performers described Jean as "very honest. In many
ways she really cares about us--she challenges our thoughts, offers constructive
criticism, is very quick to pass on credit to others who do their work well. The hardest
part is that she can give a real ass-chewing."
Further
expanding on this theme another of her capable managers said, "I think she has our
best interests at heart so it's not really malicious, but you should see it--people have
been strafed and carpet-bombed! She’ll fire off with a parental tone as if only she
knows best, and she doesn’t take time to listen--instead she’ll bark
'That’s unacceptable!' or 'Answer the question! Yes or no?' She gives good advice and
the things she says are well-meant--she just doesn’t realize her tone of voice
is perceived as an attack and people feel hurt, blamed, even degraded sometimes. She
doesn’t do this every day, but when she does it’s always triggered by someone
not meeting the standard—she doesn’t grade on the curve."
It
was clear from these interviews some members of her team had disappointed Jean and
she was keeping a close watch on their activities. "She's such a
perfectionist, she wants to make sure everything is covered," said one of her
more vocal opponents. "I think it's a control thing--she needs to know every
infinite detail until I feel smothered. If you did ten things on a list of twelve
and there were problems with the last two, that’s where her focus would be, with no
thanks for the ten things you did well." Regardless of their standing with Jean,
her subordinates were in agreement about what needed to change: "She needs to
phrase things in a more constructive manner, focus more on conveying what she wants,
instructing and/or coaching, and use more positive motivation." "When
problems come up she needs to get the facts and involve people more in problem-solving."
"When you stick somebody’s nose in failure that doesn’t necessarily fix
the problem."
Jean
was honest about how it felt to be asked to work with me: "I have some trepidation
about formalizing this coaching process because I don’t want to give the appearance
that something’s broken." She was a little defensive in the beginning,
starting our conversation by explaining why she thought her efforts had been necessary:
"I've always felt my job was to do the right thing for the company, and in my
mind some of the staff I had when I came into this job were incapable of doing the work.
Mark told me, 'Don’t smother them,' but his standards are just as high as mine."
But Jean also acknowledged the problems she'd left in her wake and wanted to make amends:
"We’re heading into a period of far-reaching organizational change and we're
in a tough market--we fight for our lives every day. But maybe I’ve been riding herd
on them a little too much. I’ve stepped back some, but if there are a thousand
questions, I've wanted answers to all of them."
Paul
had told Jean she needed to change her style of communication. She was wrestling with how
to do that and maintain her sense of values. "I believe in honesty," she
said with a frown, "and I'm not into this game of covering up things that aren't
right. I've always been the type of manager who will confront people when there are
problems. I know I have the reputation of being rather ruthless, but I’ve been able to turn things around in several different positions
because people
weren’t performing before I got there and I gave them the choice to shape up or
leave. I also communicated, 'Let’s have some confidence in ourselves and go forward,'
and I've rarely had to fire anyone."
As
we explored the source of her Enneagram characteristics, Jean remembered her mother as
"a hard-working person. I always looked up to her and was proud of her, and I
learned a strong sense of right and wrong from her, but I guess that
hasn't always served me well. She pushed me pretty hard and would always say to me, 'If
you want to do anything, do it right.' I've always said people in this company should
do their jobs in front of their mothers!"
Jean
was an eager student once we got into the coaching process. She was especially relieved to
understand her Enneagram One style. She'd chastised herself for years about her
anger and the way it spilled out on others. She was
truly good-hearted and didn't want to hurt people. I struggled a bit with how to help Jean
shift to a new reality about herself. I knew giving her the message to "fix yourself" would just be "more of the same"--i.e., would keep
feeding her underlying perfectionism. Finally, I told her Viktor Frankl, in Man's
Search for Meaning, said the right question is not "What do I expect
from life?" but "What does life expect from me?" This appealed
to her idealism without engaging her perfectionism.
After
one session where we explored her definition of "honesty" (direct, truthful,
consistent, supportive vs. scheming, closed, devious, chameleon-like), I gave her the
homework assignment of choosing to be "a little bad" on one of those dimensions.
Her response at our next meeting? "I found it stimulating. I had a good time
choosing whether or not to look at something as 'good' or 'bad,' and I’m seeing more
'good' than 'bad,' in myself and in others. I’ve confirmed that I can
accept people as they are, and I haven’t done that so well in the past.
I’ve searched for years to understand why I felt the way I felt about myself and
other people. Over the past month or so I’ve begun finally to understand
I could never accept myself. I’d felt the weight of so much guilt, and somehow
that’s lifting."
She loved the parable described by Clarence Thomson (Parables
& the Enneagram) from Matthew 18:21, where Jesus tells Peter to forgive his brother
seventy times seven:
If Ones can learn to forgive themselves and
others, they develop the compassion necessary for real spiritual development (p. 36).
Somehow, between us, Jean and I found the magic formula because she
exemplifies the kind of turnaround that's possible when people own up to their Enneagram
style, forgive themselves, and move forward. Here's the summary from interviews I
conducted as part of a six-month follow-up assessment:
-
(From peers): "She has a great attitude, a
willingness to talk things over--she openly and routinely discusses business decisions
that can affect us." "She's easy to talk to and non-defensive, very open to
feedback."
-
(From subordinates): "We enjoy the freedom
to make decisions we didn't make before. She's interested in our opinions, shows clear
appreciation for our efforts, and looks out for our interests." "She's very
supportive when there are glitches, very willing to sit down and talk, and to help."
"Her biggest plus is her sense of humor--she's great to work with because she'll give
and take and joke." "She's absolutely one of the best people I've ever worked
for."
