Forgive Yourself Seventy Times Seven

"She’s done exactly what I asked her to do and she's gotten results," said Paul Turow, the CEO of Jean Thurman's company, "so if anything she’s gotten support from me. But on the human side of it, she can’t succeed if she doesn’t change." Paul and the President of the company, Mark Kelly, had called me in to work with Jean because her subordinates were close to mutiny. She'd been hired to repair the lack of quality standards in her division, but after the recent planning retreat with her team, one of them complained to Paul, "She basically told us everything we'd done for six years was a pile of shit!" Paul had his own take. "I told Jean you don't tell a couple showing off their first baby that the child is ugly!"

"Jean commands respect because of her knowledge base and because she’s very intelligent," offered Mark. "She’s broken records pretty much everywhere she’s been and she was the right choice for this job at this time. Someone less aggressive might not have done what needed to be done. She walked into a job where well meaning people had scratched their heads for years and she has my respect—she had a formidable task and timetable, and enormous pressure to show results. I’d give her high marks for innovativeness—the amount of improvement she’s already brought about is almost unheard of in our industry. But she needs to be careful not to shoot people out of the water."

"She's not an ogre," Paul clarified. "She has a lot of personality that comes through and a high degree of integrity. She’s extremely intelligent, and if you get in a discussion where she doesn’t know something, within 2-3 days she’ll have learned about it. But at the same time she takes a really strong, fixed position of what’s right and wrong." When I asked Paul and Mark what their expectations were for my work with Jean, Mark said, "I don’t want her to roll over just to get people to like her, and I want her to continue having strong systems and high expectations for results." Paul nodded while Mark was speaking, then added, "There has to be more respect in the process. Right now she has a disconnect in how to bridge that gap. We've had people threatening to quit we can't afford to lose."

Mark and Paul both predicted I'd not find much support for Jean among her peers. "She made some monumental changes without consultation," commented Paul. "She has to be the best and gauges everyone else by her own values," he continued. "Yeah," Mark sighed. "She wants to do the right thing but it comes off as inflexible, intolerant. She’ll say, 'That’s the way it is' and it’s very hard for her to admit she’s wrong. She needs to see there’s more than one explanation for things and to be more of a team player."

Her peers did agree Jean was getting outstanding results. Her Enneagram One style was also becoming quite clear. "When Jean does a project, it's perfect," summarized one of her fellow Vice Presidents. "She's able to analyze situations and devise solutions which are usually correct. Unfortunately she wants you to know she's right." They also recognized the kind of creativity I often see in my One clients (their Four connection): "She's the brightest person in our group, always trying to think of a new wrinkle on things."

Her Seven connection showed up in their descriptions of her sense of humor, "a caustic, dry wit." That mode of communication, however, could descend into sarcasm, even condescension. "I've seen her becoming more helpful, more flexible and positive over the past few months," offered the other Vice President, "but just the other day she more or less told me, 'This will never work and you're stupid for suggesting it!'" These two team-mates, who'd been around the organization longer than Jean, had been unsuccessful at getting her to acknowledge the effects of her style: "She's incredibly sensitive to criticism." "I've tried any number of times to help her see the effect she's having on people, but it's hard to get through to her."

In spite of the mutiny threats of some subordinates, there were those who appreciated the standards Jean had set and who felt proud of what they'd accomplished in the months prior to my interviews with them. They saw two sides of the coin in her style. For example, one of her highest performers described Jean as "very honest. In many ways she really cares about us--she challenges our thoughts, offers constructive criticism, is very quick to pass on credit to others who do their work well. The hardest part is that she can give a real ass-chewing."

Further expanding on this theme another of her capable managers said, "I think she has our best interests at heart so it's not really malicious, but you should see it--people have been strafed and carpet-bombed! She’ll fire off with a parental tone as if only she knows best, and she doesn’t take time to listen--instead she’ll bark 'That’s unacceptable!' or 'Answer the question! Yes or no?' She gives good advice and the things she says are well-meant--she just doesn’t realize her tone of voice is perceived as an attack and people feel hurt, blamed, even degraded sometimes. She doesn’t do this every day, but when she does it’s always triggered by someone not meeting the standard—she doesn’t grade on the curve."

It was clear from these interviews some members of her team had disappointed Jean and she was keeping a close watch on their activities. "She's such a perfectionist, she wants to make sure everything is covered," said one of her more vocal opponents. "I think it's a control thing--she needs to know every infinite detail until I feel smothered. If you did ten things on a list of twelve and there were problems with the last two, that’s where her focus would be, with no thanks for the ten things you did well." Regardless of their standing with Jean, her subordinates were in agreement about what needed to change: "She needs to phrase things in a more constructive manner, focus more on conveying what she wants, instructing and/or coaching, and use more positive motivation." "When problems come up she needs to get the facts and involve people more in problem-solving." "When you stick somebody’s nose in failure that doesn’t necessarily fix the problem."

Jean was honest about how it felt to be asked to work with me: "I have some trepidation about formalizing this coaching process because I don’t want to give the appearance that something’s broken." She was a little defensive in the beginning, starting our conversation by explaining why she thought her efforts had been necessary: "I've always felt my job was to do the right thing for the company, and in my mind some of the staff I had when I came into this job were incapable of doing the work. Mark told me, 'Don’t smother them,' but his standards are just as high as mine." But Jean also acknowledged the problems she'd left in her wake and wanted to make amends: "We’re heading into a period of far-reaching organizational change and we're in a tough market--we fight for our lives every day. But maybe I’ve been riding herd on them a little too much. I’ve stepped back some, but if there are a thousand questions, I've wanted answers to all of them."

Paul had told Jean she needed to change her style of communication. She was wrestling with how to do that and maintain her sense of values. "I believe in honesty," she said with a frown, "and I'm not into this game of covering up things that aren't right. I've always been the type of manager who will confront people when there are problems. I know I have the reputation of being rather ruthless, but I’ve been able to turn things around in several different positions because people weren’t performing before I got there and I gave them the choice to shape up or leave. I also communicated, 'Let’s have some confidence in ourselves and go forward,' and I've rarely had to fire anyone."

As we explored the source of her Enneagram characteristics, Jean remembered her mother as "a hard-working person. I always looked up to her and was proud of her, and I learned a strong sense of right and wrong from her, but I guess that hasn't always served me well. She pushed me pretty hard and would always say to me, 'If you want to do anything, do it right.' I've always said people in this company should do their jobs in front of their mothers!"

Jean was an eager student once we got into the coaching process. She was especially relieved to understand her Enneagram One style. She'd chastised herself for years about her anger and the way it spilled out on others. She was truly good-hearted and didn't want to hurt people. I struggled a bit with how to help Jean shift to a new reality about herself. I knew giving her the message to "fix yourself" would just be "more of the same"--i.e., would keep feeding her underlying perfectionism. Finally, I told her Viktor Frankl, in Man's Search for Meaning, said the right question is not "What do I expect from life?" but "What does life expect from me?" This appealed to her idealism without engaging her perfectionism.

After one session where we explored her definition of "honesty" (direct, truthful, consistent, supportive vs. scheming, closed, devious, chameleon-like), I gave her the homework assignment of choosing to be "a little bad" on one of those dimensions. Her response at our next meeting? "I found it stimulating. I had a good time choosing whether or not to look at something as 'good' or 'bad,' and I’m seeing more 'good' than 'bad,' in myself and in others. I’ve confirmed that I can accept people as they are, and I haven’t done that so well in the past. I’ve searched for years to understand why I felt the way I felt about myself and other people. Over the past month or so I’ve begun finally to understand I could never accept myself. I’d felt the weight of so much guilt, and somehow that’s lifting."

She loved the parable described by Clarence Thomson (Parables & the Enneagram) from Matthew 18:21, where Jesus tells Peter to forgive his brother seventy times seven:

If Ones can learn to forgive themselves and others, they develop the compassion necessary for real spiritual development (p. 36).

Somehow, between us, Jean and I found the magic formula because she exemplifies the kind of turnaround that's possible when people own up to their Enneagram style, forgive themselves, and move forward. Here's the summary from interviews I conducted as part of a six-month follow-up assessment:

• (From Mark and Paul): "Jean's been totally transformed--she's 180 degrees from where she was before." "She empowers her people now, so even the ones who weren't used to being responsible before have grown."

• (From peers): "She has a great attitude, a willingness to talk things over--she openly and routinely discusses business decisions that can affect us." "She's easy to talk to and non-defensive, very open to feedback."

• (From subordinates): "We enjoy the freedom to make decisions we didn't make before. She's interested in our opinions, shows clear appreciation for our efforts, and looks out for our interests." "She's very supportive when there are glitches, very willing to sit down and talk, and to help." "Her biggest plus is her sense of humor--she's great to work with because she'll give and take and joke." "She's absolutely one of the best people I've ever worked for."