Responding to
Criticism and Manipulation
Without Being Defensive*
(Click
here for a pdf version with different examples)
Often other people don't give effective
feedback. Sometimes we feel defensive no matter how
descriptively and helpfully feedback is given. In any case, most
people think their only options in response are to (1) take it,
(2) explain/defend themselves, or (3) fight back. There is
another option. You can agree to a partial truth, agree to a
probability, and/or agree in principle, followed in each case by
probing for more information.
For example, if someone says you're not
serious enough, you could:
Agree to a Partial Truth
–
"It's
true I'm not as serious as some people. In what way has that been a problem?"
Or, "It's true I'm not as serious as some people. Is there
something you'd suggest I change?"
Agree to a Probability
–
"It's
possible I don't seem serious enough. Tell me more." Or "It's possible I don't seem serious enough.
What would you like to see happen?"
Agree to a Principle
–
"I agree
it's important to balance optimism with reality. What have I done or said that's out
of balance?" Or "I agree it's important to balance
optimism with reality. Let's talk about how to move forward."
It may take a round or two of probing for
details or moving to a solution before the other person stops judging you,
but if you remain non-defensive and show you're really interested in solving a potential problem, eventually
you'll have feedback
you can use.
Then you can explain yourself, if
necessary, and show your appreciation.
Benefits of responding this way:
-
You'll help the other person be more
specific, less judgmental.
-
As you think through which of the
three responses to use, you'll buy some time and lower your
defensiveness.
-
You may learn something about
yourself you need to know.
-
The other person will gain respect
for you instead of thinking, "Forget it!" You can't tell that person
anything!"
* Dr. Manuel J.
Smith calls this technique "Fogging" (see When I Say No
I Feel Guilty and When I Say No I Feel Guilty, Vol. II,
for Managers and Executives)
