Responding to
Criticism
Without Being Defensive
If you're
not feeling defensive, paraphrase
what you've heard to check for understanding and react only in terms of how you receive
the feedback vs. "explaining;" probe for clarity, thank the other
person if appropriate.
For
example, if someone says you're not serious enough, you might say: "That
surprises me, but I'd rather know people see me that way than be kept in the dark. Is
there anything more I should know?" (Vs. "Oh, people just aren't aware of my
serious side.")
If you
are feeling defensive, find some part
you can agree with, then probe for more information or move to problem solving. Here are three options:
Agree to Part
-
"It's
true I'm not as serious as some people. In what way has that been a problem?"
(Or, for example, "It's true I'm not as serious as some people. Is there
something you'd suggest I change?)"
Agree to a Possibility
-
"It's
possible I don't seem serious enough. Tell me more." (Or "It's possible I don't seem serious enough. How might we resolve this?")
Agree to a Principle
-
"I agree
it's important to balance optimism with reality. What have I done or said that's out
of balance?" (Or "I agree it's important to balance
optimism with reality. Let's talk about how to move forward.")
It may take a round or two of probing for
details or moving to a solution before the other person stops judging you,
but if you remain non-defensive and show you're really interested in solving a potential problem, eventually they'll respond with feedback
you can use.
Then you can explain yourself, if
necessary, and show your appreciation.
Benefits of responding this way:
-
You'll help the other person be more
specific, less judgmental.
-
As you think through which of the
three responses to use, you'll buy some time and lower your
defensiveness.
-
You may learn something about
yourself you need to know.
-
The other person will gain respect
for you instead of thinking, "Forget it!" You can't tell that person
anything!"
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