Dharma Combat

Some friends of mine had arranged for an encounter between two prominent visiting Buddhist teachers…This was to be a high form of what was being called dharma combat (the clashing of great minds sharpened by years of study and meditation)…The Zen master…reached deep inside his robes and drew out an orange. "What is this?" he demanded of the lama…and we could feel him ready to pounce on whatever response he was given. The Tibetan sat quietly fingering his mala and made no move to respond. "What is this?" the Zen master insisted, holding the orange up to the Tibetan's nose. Kalu Rinpoche bent very slowly to the Tibetan monk next to him who was serving as the translator, and they whispered back and forth for several minutes. Finally the translator addressed the room: "Rinpoche says, 'What is the matter with him? Don't they have oranges where he comes from?'" The dialogue progressed no further. (Mark Epstein, Thoughts Without a Thinker).

"Transformation is change," defined Edward -- an Enneagram Five -- succinctly. More expansively, he continued: "It's coming in possession of a quality that's a gift, that is beyond your own making. I first experienced transformation in a religious setting, so it comes out of that framework for me, similar to the notion of conversion."

John had thought his definition through before we met, and offered this logic: "Transformation is moving from one consistent and orderly psychic state to another, more consistent and more integrated psychic state."

When asked what role the Enneagram plays in their process of change, both of these Fives described it as a practice that can further enable transformation. "The Enneagram helps me to perceive and understand myself and my life as it is," said Edward, "which is useful preparation for transformation." John sees the system as providing a context to "become aware of the assumptions, biases, and limitations of my point group and begin consciously choosing different assumptions and points of view."

Experiences of Change

"For me the big change happened at age 30," remembered Edward, "which by now would be almost 30 years ago. Have you heard of Cursillo? It's a Spanish word for a short course in Christianity. And it's not course as in academic or study, but as in a journey together. I was kind of conned into going because my wife wanted to go. This was the seventies, where if you were married your husband had to precede you through the course. For me, faith-wise at that point in my life, I'd come to a place where God was a stern taskmaster, but I didn't have a personal sense of God -- it was a duty kind of thing. Well, this Cursillo experience changed all that, allowed me to experience God personally with the message, 'You're O.K.' in a real affective, caring way. I think it was the intensity of the experience that allowed me to come into that relationship with God. The course went from early in the morning till late at night, Thursday night through Sunday, and I just couldn't keep my old mind-set. It was put on by 75% lay people who gave witness about different points in the Christian life, and I started out thinking 'O.K., I'm just here, checking off the box so my wife can come.' But somewhere, through all the intensity, my resistance and mind-set let go. Some of the authenticity of who these people were got through to me. The character of what they said was very real, and I couldn't attribute it to canned or pious ritual. What spoke to me was how they had changed. Richard Rohr says, 'The power is in the person,' and some of that's what touched me."

Edward's second biggest experience of change was also a religious conversion: "I'm not really that religious," he admitted, "but ten years after the Cursillo course I went through another program, again because my wife had an interest in charismatic prayer reading. The thing that bothered me the most about the charismatic people was this personal, 'Jesus told me' stuff, that they had a direct channel and it was so clear, no gray areas. And in my old mind-set, some of that lofty Five stuff, I thought of these people as 'kind of goofy.' There were some who were just adopting clichés, but as I hung around them over time I began to see that others were being very genuine, very authentic. Over three to four years I got to a place where I felt an excitement at scripture readings -- though I didn't outwardly say those things -- that they had as much to do with current times as when they were written, and that there was an affective dimension to them -- they brought a peace, and a challenge to me." Edward had a second category of transformation, one of insight: "I've had creative insights on my job that are quantum shifts in doing something I would have never done. I'll work hard to try to come up with some approach to a concept, pursuing every possible avenue until I'm exhausted, tell myself, 'It's just not there, it's just not do-able,' and then Bingo!!! But at first I don't trust it; I have to sit with it a while. I had one experience where, after several weeks and exhausting the experts, I got a dramatic idea that I knew instantly would work. But I didn't tell anybody where I got the idea because several people commented that it was kind of a bizarre solution. After a year there weren't any problems, and I'd been thinking for a long time, 'I need to share this,' so when it came up again in a meeting I felt compelled to say the idea came from 'Divine insight, a gift from God.' This was kind of like farting in church -- nobody said a word!"

John laid out four dimensions of transformation. In addition to Edward's spiritual and intellectual categories, he added physical and emotional change. "An example of physical transformation occurred during adolescence when my body changed radically due to sexual maturation," he said. John recalled shifts in intellectual insight that were transforming: "I can think of many times when I had flashes of insight where I've seen things in a different way than I'd ever expected," he said. "I changed in college -- just from attending classes and having conversations with fellow students. In a philosophy class as a Freshman we discussed how God could not contradict Himself. And I said to the professor in this very naïve voice, 'You mean, God cannot do everything?' That was a flash of insight for me. An interest in Jung came from my mid-life issues: I saw his approach as a way to understand men and women and their roles. My Myers-Briggs interest came from job-related needs -- it was a good way to help people understand themselves in a career context. However, the depth of interest came in realizing this approach was a fascinating way to understand myself and others. The Enneagram system came from curiosity -- was this a real system? Why were so many people fascinated by it?" John's spiritual change has been a more subtle process: "I'm still trying to understand why I got this direction. Part of it came from hearing about transformation in an Enneagram context -- particularly what Helen Palmer had to say about developing the 'inner observer'. Part of it came from a retreat experience where we practiced meditation, and later I joined a meditation group."

John talked at some length about a very personal experience of emotional change: "I did everything in the world to keep my first marriage from ending, and when it finally did happen it was a blow to my self-esteem. Specifically, I realized I didn't really understand what feelings were all about. My wife would accuse me of not having feelings, of being too logical, and I didn't know what she was talking about. Finally, I realized intellectually I needed to do something, and that's when I got involved in therapy. What the therapist did for me was just listen, and even show feelings of sadness and sorrow. His expressing emotions really helped to give me some kind of self-confidence by conveying I was somebody worthwhile. At the same time I got involved in a therapy group where we'd talk about things that were happening to us. I had always been a good guy and never did anything wrong, but in some of these sessions I'd yell and scream and let out all this horrible unconscious stuff, but I had to accept it, and I realized I really did have feelings. That was the beginning of the transformation. I started reading books on psychology, which was my first involvement in things deeper than the conscious."

Results of Change

As a result of his Cursillo experience Edward says he has "never been the same." Initially, however, It had a major disorienting effect: "It was awful! On my first day back to work after that weekend I left early. I'm an engineer, and prior to that weekend my attitude toward people who worked in the plant was, 'They're just dummies, and you have to placate them in whatever way necessary to get them to do what they should do by themselves.' As a Five I was using rigid compartmentalization, thinking these people had a mission to do as little possible and get as much money and bennies as they could. It was kind of degrading, but it had worked for me in the past. However, after that weekend I had no way to relate. I thought, 'This doesn't work, I can't function.' And I left with such a horrible headache. It was like being put in a different land where the language isn't the same anymore. A lot of the sights are familiar but the language is different. It took a while to re-orient, but I began to see those people as children of God instead of dumb-ass union guys who didn't want to work. And the shift in my thinking was a one-way thing. Having gone there, you can't go back."

In analyzing himself, John decided he was more of a typical Five when he was in his twenties and early thirties: "I was a scientist, interested in doing research, which I did for at least ten years. It was through the struggle of my first marriage that I became more than just a normal Five -- bringing emotional dimensions into my life." As painful as it was, John realized his divorce was also liberating: "I felt a certain amount of freedom because the relationship had been such a terrible block to my doing anything other than reacting to it. But the biggest lesson I learned from my divorce -- besides realizing I have feelings -- is that you need to share your strength as well as your compassion, that you can't deal with some people kindly because they aren't going to be nice to you." So John changed in being able to express himself more aggressively instead of withdrawing (moving to his integrating Eight point), although "most of what I've talked to you about left me shaken. Certainly whenever I express explosive anger it shakes me up." His Eight-like behavior also shows in his awareness of how his strength can be over-exercised. In his second marriage, John found himself living with an alcoholic, and became aware of his strength as a co-dependency issue. "It wasn't one big insight," he recalled, "but it was definitely a shift over time to realize how I would take care of things. I'm well aware of this issue in my life now and consciously try to deal with it, though it's kind of built into me. I think a lot about, 'Shall I deliberately not try to fix this?' or, 'I'll fix this, but I realize it might be co-dependent.' I realize, for example, how I like to take care of my kids, and wonder, 'Do I get involved too much? Do I not let them do enough, do I not make them live up to things?'

Resources Along The Way: Personal and Transpersonal

Edward was attracted to the people in the Cursillo course: "They invited me to join with them in their formation, and I admired these guys so much. there was a continuous involvement for a minimum of once a week over a period of twenty years -- sharing my priorities, the issues I'd chosen to work on, my commitment to Christ and how I was doing with it, my sense of strength around it and my sense of failure. When you're asked to tell your story it's like what we're doing now, it's the footprints in the sand thing -- I think I was touched by God in seeing ways He's been very intimately involved in my life all along, even when I didn't know it. And I felt dramatically touched to convey that to other people. Before, if someone had suggested I'd become a witness I'd have said, 'Get out of here!' But this experience also provided a laboratory of seeing these very same people whom I'd admired and thought walked on water having daily setbacks. It was very real, very much a mentoring experience."

"People in the Enneagram community talking about transformation has basically legitimized it for me," acknowledged John, "and given me a mental framework -- the idea that the way to live is to somehow get away from personality. The Jungians say you need to have some contact with your unconscious to develop the Ego/Self axis -- between your ego and your inner core. I like the whole intellectual idea that you learn from the Enneagram, that we're living in some kind of -- not really a dream -- but some kind of unconscious activity, and to try to get away from that, to get out of being asleep."

Practices Supporting Change

Drawing from his own experience, Edward said, "I'd put a lot of emphasis on meditation, on contemplation -- suspending things and trying to be in touch with the body, experiencing the action of the gut and the breath. I struggle with, 'What does that really mean and do I even really feel it?' But I've experienced enough to give me hope there's that kind of union. When I first started getting more serious with the Enneagram about nine years ago, Helen Palmer had meditation tapes that focus on breathing and suspending your thinking, and that for me was terrifying. Oh, it was terrifying. It was kind of like when I was learning how to swim, to put my head under water. For me it was, 'If I stop thinking I don't know if I will exist; it will be like going under water.' It took a long, long time, and daily I would reach that point where I would think less and less and then get too scared and stop. It was very, very slow, like a person going into a swimming pool and knowing the water's cold, and dipping their toes first, and then their ankles, and then up to their knees. And I finally got to the place where I wasn't thinking at all. Not at all. And it was a real place of freedom, that I could exist without thinking. For me it's important to have a discipline to shut off my damned mind. It may be only for seconds. But if I can do that, then I can shut it off at other times, too. As Palmer says, instead of giving the compulsion life, take a breath, keep from going on automatic. I have a kind of mantra -- 'subject, object, place' -- to check the energy going into the compulsion."

"In all cases," summarized John, "I helped the process move by learning more about the subject that was relevant to my transformation. In most cases I joined groups to help me with new insights or ways of acting. In mid-life I went to T-groups, therapy groups, male-female workshops. More recently, I have attended Alanon, groups on Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram. I attend a weekly meditation group and have thought about doing T'ai Chi -- because the whole idea is getting out of my head, getting into other parts of my psyche, of who I am. I realized I was just thinking too much. My mind would race at night --I didn't have any trouble going to sleep, but I'd wake up in the middle of the night and I needed something to quiet my mind down. I've also written down my dreams, trying active imagination. I use the Enneagram in a retrospective rather than a prospective way. For example, when I learned I was a Five I looked back and realized I could engage with people and really enjoy it without revealing who I was myself, because I was always behind a screen of words. I assumed people didn't want to know about me. Now I reveal more, when I'm comfortable with someone. I can look for my generic Enneagram traits, noticing for example, 'I'm probably too much in my head right now.'"

Resistances to Change

"I think the ongoing challenge of being a Five," Edward noted, "is a view that life is a Zero Sum Game -- that there are only so many resources so you have to hold onto what you have. The daily challenge for me is to see that distortion, go against the bias to withdraw because 'I'm going to lose something here.' The piece the Enneagram is trying to get through to me now is recognizing how much I want to be in control, to create a secure environment. For example, in staff meetings I'm biased to sit there and try to analyze what's going on rather than engage. Maybe I'll ask a kind of passive-aggressive question, like throwing a rock. Or I'll ask an open-ended question as a feeler, a question so ambiguous it's not clear to anybody but myself, and then pull back to see if people are going to pounce on me. If I do that I can leave feeling bitter, and think, 'What a bunch of yo-yos -- they're only concerned about their political interests and don't give a rat's ass about anything!' For me the most recent example of being stuck in the 'resistance' stage of change is thinking, 'I'm not sure I've ever had a genuine feeling. Maybe I've only had thoughts about feelings.' That depressed me for a long time. So sometimes I can't cycle through."

John has boiled his resistances down to "(1) skepticism, (2) not wanting to get involved in something new, and (3) having too many things on my plate to do so I don't 'have time' for this activity."

Metaphors of Change

"My metaphor is of a biosphere," offered Edward. "I think of myself as having the bias to withdraw into my little biosphere. There are moments of grace when I'm aware this bias is in process, and if I choose to call it I have the potential for being a whole lot different. When I can do that and stay with it, I've gotten myself out of a container and can be a contributor and a participant with other people. Otherwise I just stay in my little biosphere."

John sees the process of transformation as a Hero's Journey: "You receive a call, you engage in the search, then there's a struggle, you have a breakthrough, and you return -- somehow changed."

Progress Along The Path

"I ask myself," finished Edward, "'Could there really be a life outside the biosphere?' At times I think I've just scratched the surface. Sometimes I can put myself in a place where it's possible for grace to break through, by just getting out of the way, by not cooperating with the compulsive energy. At those times I can recognize what I'm doing -- I don't know if it's 'conscience' or whether it's what Palmer calls the 'inner observer' -- that faculty can tell me my mind is running, it's in control.  When I can raise a question in a conversation with a lead-in about why it's relevant, either its consequences or its benefits -- in such a way that I'm in the conversation -- then I can be a participant in the group. When it's the inner observer and not the ego operating I feel an at-easeness, a relaxation where my body's not on edge. The best indicator for me is that I'm not attached to the outcome -- whatever happens is O.K. It's not a mental construct, but rather a receptive state: less guarded, and feeling 'I'm here.'"

One situation where the call was particularly clear to John was with a university course on personal development he's now teaching. "After I retired, I was just living my life when I got a phone call from the woman then teaching it, who told me she was leaving town and asked me to attend the following week to see if I'd be willing to take over for her. I took it as a call into the journey because I thought, 'Why did I get a phone call out of the middle of nowhere, from someone I've never had contact with in my life, and who somehow knew there was a good chance I'd do it?' It appealed to something inside of me. Something at an intuitive level, not verbal, said 'Something is going on here,' and I decided to try it out." John showed deep emotion as he continued: "I could not believe the response of people taking that course -- the warmth, and love. It's been great, wonderful! It's made these intellectual concepts more human. It's taken me outside of my house and outside of myself. And this is the way my life is going. The trick is to recognize it when it happens."

Journeys Toward Self-Realization