Flowing in and Out of Anger

This morning I realized I was becoming increasingly angry with persistent e-mail ads from a retailer I'd bought a small item from, in spite of my having unsubscribed countless times and even contacting their customer service (they also sent me an unsubscribe link, which I followed - to no avail). I'd been carrying this resentment as if it nurtured a flame, forgetting the quote from a friend that "resentment is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die." This is the way our patterns work. Not useful? Even detrimental? "Who cares?" our unconscious shouts, "It's familiar and I've got the groove!"

Of many approaches to managing anger, a traditional one is Rational Emotive Behavior (REBT). Albert Ellis described our response to given events as conditioned by irrational beliefs (e.g., "They should not...!" "I can't stand it that....!" "How awful that...!"). He suggested monitoring your level of anger (mildly disappointed? enraged? something in between?), seeking out your irrational belief, and countering it with a rational statement. This brings your implicit beliefs to the surface and makes them available for examination. It also levels out your emotional response and leads to behavior more appropriate to the actual situation and more productive. My client Will, for example, was furious that one of his reports hadn't met her weekly goal. But instead of lashing out he explored his internal beliefs and realized he was thinking: "She should have reached that goal. We're never going to meet our budget!!!" His internal belief was "irrational" in this sense: it isn't cast in concrete that anyone should do anything. People will do whatever meets their own needs. Will countered his belief with a more rational appraisal of what he felt in the moment: "Actually I'm disappointed; I know the goal was almost impossible to meet but I don't want to have to deal with my own boss." He then said to her, "I'm frustrated and you probably are too. How can we get ourselves out of this problem?" And they were on their way to a solution.

Advice From the Future - Case sent in by Jo Hanssen from Curaçao

One day, I walked past the room of one of my vice principals. There she sat, opposite to a student. In that small room the both of them had managed to create a maximal distance between them and you could see steam clouds escape. In other words, there was a crisis. She gestured me to come in. It turned out the student had been rude to the caretaker and she thought he should apologize. He, however, thought the caretaker had snubbed him so he was right. The more she tried to convince him, the more he opposed. His mother had already been called to come to school to talk about this.

The conversation had turned very grim and seemed like it could only escalate further. After the vice principal and he both had told their -reasonably similar- stories I asked the student which class he was in. It turned out he was in HAVO-5. Then I said that I expected someone at the level to be able to solve problems in a positive manner. Next, I asked him where he would be in two years time. He said that he would then be studying in Rotterdam. I asked what he would be studying and how things would be going. He began to explain enthusiastically and his body posture changed from leaning back in chair to leaning forward. The vice principal's body posture started to change too. She leaned forward and started to listen with interest.

After the student had described many things about how his life and study in Rotterdam would be, I asked him whether he would then still be having this kind of problems. Then he started to laugh. No, he would then be able to handle this type of problems. Then I asked him whether he, as this future student, would have some suggestions for this younger version of him that was now sitting in the vice principal's office. We were very surprised when started to choose practically all the solutions that the vice principal had just mentioned in their conversation. His mother was called off, I could leave, and the two of them took care of the situation.

The most comprehensive recent suggestions I've found are from Think Simple Now. When you read these "Fifteen Ways to Overcome Anger" you'll find them very consistent with my approach to change, framed as ways to interrupt a pattern:

Think Simple Now's first of fifteen ways to overcome anger is, simply, "Look Up!"

I'm particularly intrigued by the power of kinesthetic changes, because I shifted my "snit" about the e-mail ads I was receiving with a kinesthetic response I'm learning called "Flowing Zen." I won't attempt to describe the deep relaxation head to toe and energetic flow, but encourage you to find someone local who teaches a form of Chi Kung, "the art of training intrinsic energy... one of the marvelous methods of maintaining health and practicing Zen."