Understanding Enneagram styles is a powerful
coaching tool to enhance clients' personal effectiveness and
spiritual development. The Enneagram is even more powerful when
explored in the context of relationships with others. Often, our
clients’ changes confuse, or even alarm, their friends and
intimates. But when they commit to actions that could benefit
both, the partnership becomes mutually supportive – which
reinforces desired changes and builds greater intimacy.
An added and important element is knowing
your clients’ subtypes. According to Peter O’Hanrahan
(“Enneagram Instinctual Subtypes” in the 2008-09 Enneagram
Monthly), “We can appreciate the different subtype
priorities which need attention in order to establish security
and rapport for each partner.”
An interaction between two
Nines will
illustrate how your coaching can be more effective when it helps
clients create mutually developmental partnerships based on
their Enneagram styles and subtypes. One Social subtype
Nine we’ll call “Sally,” the other One-to-One Nine we’ll call “Oona.”
These two women have been good friends and colleagues for ten
years. They have similar values of honesty and integrity in
relationship and share growing concerns about social and
environmental problems Yet Oona made two criticisms of Sally at
a dinner party where several friends were present.
Oona’s first criticism occurred when their
friend, Betty, expressed concern about possibly losing her
government-supported job and Sally responded with a passionate
discourse about state politicians and their poor allotment of
financial resources. Oona listened for awhile, then said, “What
does that have to do with Betty’s concern about losing her job?”
Oona commented again when Sally said she felt Obama’s choices of
cabinet members would lead to more of the same problems
experienced with the Bush administration, but she was,
however, happy the U.S. has progressed enough to elect a Black
president.
Oona said she found it interesting that while
Obama had both a white and a black parent, people refer to him
as “black.” Sally tried to explain that she meant her comment as
a celebration of liberalism, but Oona – in what she considered
to be a statement of philosophy, not a personal criticism –
looked toward the ceiling and said, “Well, I find it offensive.”
Oona promptly forgot about both of her
comments. But Sally agonized over them for two days, worried
that she seemed insensitive to Betty’s situation and that she
expressed her views in ways that turned people off. She called
Oona and explained how terrible she felt. Being reminded of what
she’d said, Oona was concerned she’d been unfairly harsh. They
agreed to meet for lunch and talk things through. Both took time
before they met for lunch to think about and take responsibility
for their own behavior patterns, and both were committed to
working out their differences. Notice how the changes they
envisioned were mutually developmental:
Oona admitted she’d been missing one-on-one
time with Sally, because they now usually met with a group of
friends. Oona also said she was overwhelmed by all the social
problems Sally raised because she felt powerless to change
anything, but had tamped down her feelings instead of
confronting Sally directly.
Sally acknowledged she sometimes talked
overlong when impassioned about global concerns, but said this
was in part because she didn’t always feel heard. She didn’t see
her friends responding with interest or taking the kinds of
actions she felt were vital. She asked how she might talk about
her concerns in ways that invited responsiveness and action.
At Oona’s suggestion, Sally agreed to stop
periodically, give Oona time to assimilate and ask questions,
and help her think through what actions she could take so she
didn’t feel so powerless. Oona agreed to speak up more directly
when she was feeling overwhelmed and to ask for specific ideas
instead of tamping down her panic. At Oona’s request, Sally also
agreed to more one-on-one time.
Notice how, even though both are Nines, their
focus of attention was quite different, and their agreements to
change were mutually developmental and reinforcing. By speaking
up more directly when overwhelmed, Oona could act against her
habitual tendency to tamp things down, while also helping Sally
break her pattern of talking so long and so intensely that Oona
(and possibly others) would screen her out. Sally could feel appreciated that her passionate
social concerns were important to Oona, while giving Oona
one-on-one attention by discussing specific actions in Oona’s
areas of interest. They practiced this mutually reinforcing
approach right away. Oona said she was interested in leadership
attributes that could lead to new perspectives on world
problems. Sally told Oona about a book that spoke to this
interest and stopped by her house after lunch so she could loan
the book to Oona. This became a shared, passionate topic for
both of them in their future one-on-one encounters.
