Laying Down the Armor
Each
Enneagram worldview has some consistent patterns. A coach who
knows the Enneagram will help clients understand their worldview
and teach them to observe without judgment the patterns of
behavior that arise from that worldview. For example, in-the-box
Eights tend to view the
world as a war zone and seek power to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Other key patterns you’ll see will be some toggle-switch
thinking (“Whose side are you on?”), a fair amount of
confrontation (it’s actually a search for truth), and a tendency
to believe they’re seeking justice when in fact they want
revenge.
All Enneagram styles operate from
either/or
polarities, which tend to maintain their worldview. The Eight's
polarity is "Either I'm strong or I'm weak." In one of my
coaching teleclasses with Clarence Thomson, a participant
described a female Eight who didn't know why everyone thought
she was so tough. She asked her coach, "Do I have to bleed all
over everyone to be vulnerable?"
This sounds
like a challenge to the coach, but it also reveals her
weakness/strength polarity. Notice how she goes to an extreme.
If she isn’t strong, she’ll “bleed all over everyone.” Eights
respond well to humor. Clarence suggested saying, “Maybe just a
cup
of
blood!”
One of my
clients tried to engage her Eight husband in a conversation
about being less aggressive with friends and business
associates. He replied, “What do you want me to do, jump off a
cliff?” A natural tendency, in the face of such a response, is
to presume the person is ridiculing the issue, or simply being
ridiculous. Not so. Underneath their tough exterior, Eights are
the most vulnerable of all the nine Enneagram styles. Hence the
need to bluster. They’re reluctant to show vulnerability because
they think it really might require jumping off a cliff. Eights
like it when you're blunt and direct. You could reflect back
their
either/or
assumption and suggest, “Let’s talk about how you how showing
vulnerability can be a strength.”
Another client I’ll
call Mike said, “I’m working with a therapist who believes I
have MUCH anger suppressed in me. As I was mulling this over, I
remembered Enneagram Eights are an anger-based type. I don’t
really feel angry. Nor do my close friends see anger in me or
from me. How do I access and/or release my anger?” Eights
who lack
awareness of their inner workings don’t
understand how anger motivates their behavior. For example, they
might criticize someone harshly without being aware of any inner
rancor, yet the recipient experiences them as fierce and
hostile. If these people who feel attacked reveal their pain in
these circumstances, Eights may be surprised and apologize,
because usually they don’t intend to hurt
Mike said his
friends didn’t see him as angry. Eights are very protective,
even compassionate, with those they trust, so he probably shows
his vulnerability and not his anger to his closest friends. I
recommended he get specific feedback from people who aren’t
close to him and who therefore may not typically experience his
softer side: “You can pay close attention to others’ nonverbal
reactions to you and probe for specifics; e.g., ‘I can tell by
the look on your face that you’re struggling with what I just
said. Is it the content that’s troubling, or how I said it, or
something else?’
Asking for
descriptive
feedback is a good idea for all of us. We can’t know for sure
how we come across until we can see ourselves through others’
eyes. This is especially important for Eights. They typically
feel innocent inside, as Mike did, yet their intimidating
demeanor may keep others from giving them the feedback they
need. I affirmed this with Mike, and suggested he could help
people be honest with him by saying something like, "I have
somewhat of a weakness in understanding what makes people tick,
and I need your help." I also told him: "LISTEN to their
feedback without a rebuttal. Ask for specific examples and don’t
argue with them."
